Archive for the ‘Things that are NOT awesome’ Category

Cast Systemz

October 8, 2009

Since the last post was wordy, this one will be mostly just pictures, as they speak for themselves.

In life, there are two choices: Do you want a sitcom that features good looking actors who can’t act, or a sitcom that features “normal” looking people who can? It’s a tough decision. On the one hand, if I want funny and normal, I probably don’t need to watch TV. But is it worth it waste thirty minutes to an hour (minus commercial time) to watch good looking people on mute? It’s a paradox I rarely face anymore due to my lack of accessibility to cable, but it is still something to be pondered over dinner and in philosophy classes.

The list bellow falls, in my experience, in the category of ugly and funny… for the most part. There are a few casts that I think aren’t funny or good looking, but they still made it on the list because this particular list is not about funny- just ugly. The following is that of the least attractive TV casts I could think of:

-Roseanne– The entire cast.

-Seinfeld– The entire cast, minus the people that they used to date. For some reason, they always dated fairly good looking people, which made no sense to me.

-The Office- The entire cast minus Jim and Pam, obviously. If this was in the 80’s or the British version, everyone would be unattractive.

-Murphy Brown– The entire cast.

-All in the Family– The entire cast INCLUDING the blond chick.

-Cheers*– Everyone but Kirstie Alley and Shelly Long.

-New Radio– The entire cast, especially Andy Dick

-Family Matters– The entire cast minus Richie and Laura but including the time that Urkle became “hot” Urkle Stephen.

-Just Shoot Me– The entire cast minus the ladyz in specific episodes only.

-Full House-The entire cast minus Uncle Jesse (he carried the show) but including extras like Kimmi.

-Blossom– The entire cast minus Joey Lawrence.

-Friends– The entire cast. I don’t care what you say, this is one of those examples when they try to find “attractive” yet “real(ish)” looking people and then you just kind of look at them for too long and realize, sure, they may be slender and have hair, but they are not an attractive group.

That about does it. Common thread? The 80’s/90’s transition period. As you can see, there are only a few shows on this list that are current or prior to that time frame. Yikes.

*Note: This also includes the Fraiser spin-off.

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Regretables ’09

October 8, 2009

The year is waning, which means it is time to confront my regrets of ’09 and hope to jeezus that I don’t have anymore before the end of the oo’s and the beginning of the 20teens.

Here they are, or as many as I can remember- and for those of you who say you have no regrets, you lie:

Work:
-Working for Garden City Group.
-Working for Safeway.
-Working for Beecher’s Handmade Cheese.
-Taking that job with the Switch program that never actually was a real job, and thus, losing my job at Beecher’s.
-Making out with various cheese maker’s who also worked at Beecher’s.

Boys:
-Making out with various cheese maker’s who also worked at Beecher’s.
-Developing unrealistic expectations for males in their 20’s.
-Letting Joe watch movies with Mallory and I late at night in my room when he smelled like smoke, subsequently making my whole room smell like smoke.
-Making the Molly Ringwald disgusted face from Sixteen Candles whenever a cute boy would approach me.
-Not asking enough questions when the timing was appropriate.

Cats:
-Not getting one.

Troublemaking:
-Cutting off that police officer and then getting pulled over. However, I do NOT regret not getting a ticket.
-General plotting/scheming.
-Acquiring additional parking tickets.
-Knocking over the tip jar at Cupcake Royal after Moe Bar happy hour.
Not sending that “card” to my arch nemesis. (Which I still may have regretted if I would have followed through with it).

Money:
-Not picking up that $100 bill off of the ground before Mallory’s friend snatched it up.
-Spending cash on frivolities like lattes instead of drip coffee.
-Over drawing my bank account multiple times. Some on purpose.
-Letting my student loans lapse.
-Paying to watch a movie at Pacific place when I should have just used my free ticket.
-Not tipping as much/often as I should.

Technology:
-Spilling coffee on my computer.
-Using technology to inappropriately, well, let’s call a rose a rose, “stalk” people via facebook, twitter, myspace, and what have you. You do it too!
-Watching too many movies in bed.
-Sporcle-ing… a lot.
-Texting people when/who I shouldn’t have been texting.
-Giving in to twitter.
-Using Craig’s List to try and find roommates, jobs, furniture, well, anything actually.

Fashion:
-Plaid overkill.
-Wearing through too many pairs of leggings.
-Wearing through my red belt.
-Breaking my black heals.
-Buying that white dress that I never wore.
-That shiny dress that matched Mallory’s that we wore to karaoke one time.
-Wearing through my cream colored cardigan.
-Sometimes not changing my clothes for a day or so.

Et cetera:
-Spending the holidays alone due to poor weather.
-Not visiting my mom more when she lived closer.
-Losing at Settler’s of Catan on numerous occasions.
-Eating expired food.
-Barfing.

Costumez

October 2, 2009
October is upon us, which means if you haven’t already thought of, made and tailored your costume for this year, you are probably behind. Instead of giving you all of my good ideas, I have decided to go a step further and give you ideas of what you should not be and reasons why. Below is that list:

Slutty _______ (insert any noun or children’s book character)

Let’s get one thing straight: SLUT is not a costume, it is a way of life. If I wanted to see breasts, I’d run a google search. Also, it’s effing October and most of us don’t live in a sub-tropic climate where heels and booty shorts are weather appropriate. Even that aside, my biggest concern when it comes to slutty nursery rhyme or Disney movie characters, and maybe I am out of line on this, is this: why are you mixing sexual fantasies with childhood memories in the first place? I’m not going to assume anything by this, but from a non-pedophilia perspective, I’m just going to say that I don’t quite “get it”. But I guess, props, on putting out… er, putting yourself out there like that.

Superheros

Particularly from the latest blockbuster movie. Harsh as this may be, not everyone should wear nylon, loose fitting, but still oddly snug in the wrong places, costumes. I guess that is why it is imperative that a mask be worn at all times. It is okay for 4 year olds but not 34 year olds. Ever. Also, on a personal note, I hate how those costumes always have footie things to cover your shoes or at least the top part of your shoes. It is irksome for me.

Bunny or Kitten ears

Ears are not a costume- they are an accessory, unless you are at work and can not go all the way. But even then, there has to be other ears out there that are not of the bunny or kitty varietay.

Pimps

I guess with all of the slutty costumes running around there needs to be some order maintained… still, I try to think of hanging out with someone who would dress up like a pimp for Halloween and think it would probably be the same type of person I would vomit on normally if they tried to pick me up at a bar or something. And I’m not even going to touch the sexist, socio-economic or racial implications on this one, because then this blog would no longer be funny.

Santa Clause

It’s a funny idea for about a minute, but then it just gets to be an interruption. It’s like having a birthday party and your grandmother still brings your siblings a gift, even though it is not their birthday party (provided you aren’t twins). Christmas gets enough play anyhow and already oversteps its boundaries into the Thanksgiving holiday before the turkey carcass is even cold, why should it be allowed to push itself into one more month where it doesn’t belong?

Couples Costumes

Unless it is really, really creative, and they usually are not, I’m against them. A lock and key, prisoner and guard, ketchup and mustard, Huey Lewis and the News (okay maybe not so much), all just kind of disgust me. Listen, I get it- you’re a couple. I got it when you started publicly making out and then inappropriately groping each other, not to mention from the evil looks your girlfriend is giving me- though I have no intention of even talking to you. Aside from that, the sad truth is that couples costumes are usually the result of one person being excited about Halloween and the other person not giving a shit.

Any and and all Wizard of Oz characters

Similar to couples costumes- only instead of being in a relationship, it is usually a group of single friends and usually the Dorthy’s idea- not because she wants to dress up in group costumes, but because she wants to dress up like Dorothy and feels that her friends can serve as an accessory to her childhood dream. I just see a lot of Dorothy costumes every year and subsequently a lot of red glitter shoes on sale at the Good Will around the time of January or February.

Jesus or Moses

How will I know when the second coming of Christ or Moses occurs if there are a billion impostors running around on the 31st? Huh? If you are a male and have a beard, for what ever reason, either Jesus or a hippie seems to be the only default Halloween costume in your repertoire. Perhaps the beard and hair you grew over the last few months has cut you off from the creative ability you may have once possessed. I’m sort of sick of it. Plus, religion and Halloween really don’t go well together and there really isn’t enough irony to make this costume funny or original.

Clowns

Just because I am still slightly afraid of them.

Things That Are Dead To Me

October 1, 2009

Dear the following listed items,

I’ve given you a chance… many of you multiple chances. Chancity, chance, chance, chance and there’s a good possibility that you will never get another, so take a good hard look at what you have done, come up with a plan of reconciliation, and get on your knees and tell me you love me or you and I are (in a hushed voice) over. I’ll send you to a list where no amount of clapping can bring you back.

Truly yours,

Ms. Whitworth MD… PhD… emmm, MBA BS, the third.

#1: Myspace

Good luck getting off this list. I feel dirty even thinking about myspace.com. It’s not even because it feels overly commercial, corporate, or professional for that matter. I’d get rid of it entirely if it wasn’t still a good tool to use when “researching” people. “A Place for Friends”… more like a place for shitty rappers and shirtless bro’s to try and lure me into looking at them. Eh, no thanks.

#2: Boom Noodle

Was alive to me, until I was sitting across from a friend at dinner. I ordered a bowl of white rice, he ordered SOMETHING THAT WAS MOVING (which I later found out are bonito flakes, and come from fishes) when it got to the table. It upset me so much tears began to well in me lil’ eyes. True story. So please, for the love of God, don’t let any food that I am near during meal time move. It’s too much of a shock for my heart to take.

#3: Most of the state of South Dakota

And I say “most” because I don’t know that I have experience all of the people or land mass to make a definite “all” yet. But I do feel comfortable sticking with “most” as my negative experiences have been too strong in this state to even go into detail. I don’t think I have a single friend from the big SD. And should you be from there, can you at least do me the favor of pretending you are from North Dakota- which is a fine state or even Wyoming or Nebraska. Big D- as far as you and I am concerned- there is no “us” ’cause ‘merica only has 49 states.

#4: Beecher’s Handmade Cheese

YOU know what you did! Even trumping the deli, you were the worst… mostly due to the management (that is no longer there, may I add). Much like South Dakota, I have nothing left to say to you.

#5: Birthdays

I have forgot a considerable number of birthdays this year, including my dear mother’s, been stood up by an entire birthday party, and as far as my own birthday this past year… no, wait, my birthday party was pretty fun, I must have been confusing it with something else. Be that as it may, I’m now at the age where birthday gifts aren’t really given anymore and having a birthday is a big production anyway, so what is the point? Dead to me.

#6: Everyone on my “Do Not Answer” list in my phone

This is as close as I am going to get to even touching the category of individuals that have upset me enough to make this list. And yes, I do actually have a certain someones in my phone under “do not answer” as their name. Are you one of them? I don’t know, try calling sometime and find out. It could be an adventure.

#7: The dogs upstairs

And if they don’t quit their barking in about five seconds, they will be. At least we are down to only two of them again, instead of three. It is one thing to live in a basement under the scratching of doggie nails on the floor that doesn’t stop during the larger portion of the day- but it is another to live under mean, smelly, old, unattractive dogs that bark at you even though you have been living there for a year. I hope they have their rabies shots because I have seen a lot of mean looking raccoons lately and mysteriously the gate might just be left open if those dogs don’t start treating me a little better.
#8: The Cast of Full House, et al

You maybe asking the question “What has the cast of Full House ever done to you”? What have they done, period? Other than their lack of entertainment skills and ability to be, in any situation, unfunny or take up too much space on the cover of a gossip tabloid where P. Sway should be honored or his life and dance moves more completely? That’s what I thought. Oh, by the way, America is still waiting for the funniest home video. Bob, youtube does your job so much better than you ever could and did.

#9: World Political News

Over it. OVER IT. Does nothing new ever happen in world politics? I mean, seriously, I think half of it is just stock footage/photos at this point in time. Gimme some dogs being rescued or kittens doing funny tricks. I never see foreign animals on in the news, which is a shame. If this could be promptly remedied, perhaps I would consider moving this off of this particular list.

#10: The Recession

I can only play so many Depression Era games before even I get bored. I just want a decent job, the excuses to stop, a better place to live and a manicure already. Recess… is over.

And that’s about it. I’m officially tabooing these items.

Useless Items

June 12, 2009

How does the phrase go?  Necessity is the key to invention?  Invention is necessary?  Necessity is the spice of life?  

Okay, after looking it up the actual quote that links the two is, “necessity is the mother of invention”… whatever.  Point being, not all things invented are necessary.  Here are some unnecessary inventions, to say the least:

1.) Gum Savers- I had one as a child.  If you have never had one, it is probably because they are so vile and you really shouldn’t need one, as everyone knows that old gum hardens and collects/breeds bacteria that should probably not be re-consumed and seems rather undesirable.  Plus, if you are rich enough to afford a gum saver, then you are rich enough to afford a new piece of gum.  Especially if it is Juicy Fruit™.  
2.) Bedazzelers™- This one explains itself pretty well.  Nothing should ever be “bedazzled”, especially not cheep denim.  
3.) Diaries with locks- So maybe the male population will not understand this, but as a female growing up I had my fair share of diaries, each with a lock on the outside.  The problem?  Every single diary with a lock has the same key and can be easily picked with any tool smaller than the lock itself.  For me, it was a false sense of security.  My solution?  To make books which I was sure no one would ever be interested in reading into diaries.  
4.) Noodles- Awkward to carry, worthless for actually supporting or saving someone’s life if they were to drown, and made from that foam which produced a terrible sound both when wet and dry.  Yuk.  Listen, either learn to swim properly, or get a useful, less likely to be used as a pool weapon, floatation device.  Hell, I don’t care of you are 50 and wearing water wings, just leave the goddamn noodles at home.  
5.) Candle Snuffers- My, aren’t you just the dainty one with your candle snuffer?  Wait… you what?  You couldn’t just blow the candle out?  OH, okay, that makes so much more sense to me now.  No, wait.  It doesn’t.  Next birthday, I am going to try and pull this one and see how frustrated people get whilst I attempt to snuff out 24 candles one by one.  
6.) Sham Wow™- This is a simple one, as the Sham Wow™ is just regular pieces of felt.  
7.) Dog Diaper- Just suck it up and train your dog already.  Oh, wait, or you could get off your lazy ass and actually take your dog outside once in a while.  I also hate that this particular varie-tay is washable… I mean, I get it, environmentally friendly, but well… you know how I feel about dogs pooping.  I’m just going to leave it at that.  
8.) Dog Car Seat- I know people love their pets… but come on.  Not to rag on unnecessary dog products, but this just seems insane and uncomfortable for the dog- unless you have a dog like my mothers, who, when it rides in the car, refuses to sit anywhere but on the arm of the driver looking out the window, which is both uncomfortable and dangerous.  Again, as in with the doggie diaper, just train your dog to behave in the first place.  Problem solved.  
9.) The Magic Bullet™- …okay, I know how much many people love the magic bullet, in fact, and I would swear before a jury, it is my favorite infomercial of all time.  HOWEVER, the Magic Bullet™ does nothing that a regular blender/food processor can not do, only the Magic Bullet™ does it in smaller quantities and actually takes more effort than a simple food processor.  

B is for Barfing

June 11, 2009

I’m throwing up right now just composing this list.  

1.) Dogs Pooping


2.) Inspirational posters, particularly those that have animals on them


3.) Warm milk- I hate milk as it is, but I am talking about milk that sits out, not is intentionally heated up.


4.) Emoticons 


5.) Unflushed toilets- particularly in public places


6.) Wet cat food


7.) Mop water


8.) Jing’s cooking, particularly when it is with anise or any meat that has been left out over night


9.) Back sweat

D-Baggin’ It

May 31, 2009

Addendum:  I have removed a few names… but left spaces… you know, just in case I need to replace those names again.

Dear (any name from the following list)  you are dead to me.  You know why.  Love Love Love Love Love.. Love Love, more than I could even love a baby kitten, love,

~Me.

Andrew
Anthony
Blake
Brad
Bradley 
Brian
Bobby
Chris
Christopher
Conrad
Craig
Craig II
Danny
Daniel
Dave
Drew 
Jacob
James
Jarrod 
Jax
Jeremy 
Jim
Joe
John
Jon
Jordan
Josh
Joshua
Joseph 
Justin
Kevin
Marvin
Michael
Nathan
Richard
Ryan
Steve
William 
Zach
If your name is on this list, yes, there is a possibility it isn’t you…. but it might be.  However, if your name is, oh, I don’t know, something odd like, let’s say, Jax, it is probably safe to say it is, in fact, you.  
For questions or possible typographical errors, please submit them to the following: whitney whitworth c/o whtnay@gmail.com.  Subject line should read, as in reference to the title, “Douche Bag” followed by your name.  Please see the following examples:

or




And no, I did not have to make out with you for you to be on this list… but it probably helped.