Archive for the ‘Seattle’ Category

Regretables ’09

October 8, 2009

The year is waning, which means it is time to confront my regrets of ’09 and hope to jeezus that I don’t have anymore before the end of the oo’s and the beginning of the 20teens.

Here they are, or as many as I can remember- and for those of you who say you have no regrets, you lie:

Work:
-Working for Garden City Group.
-Working for Safeway.
-Working for Beecher’s Handmade Cheese.
-Taking that job with the Switch program that never actually was a real job, and thus, losing my job at Beecher’s.
-Making out with various cheese maker’s who also worked at Beecher’s.

Boys:
-Making out with various cheese maker’s who also worked at Beecher’s.
-Developing unrealistic expectations for males in their 20’s.
-Letting Joe watch movies with Mallory and I late at night in my room when he smelled like smoke, subsequently making my whole room smell like smoke.
-Making the Molly Ringwald disgusted face from Sixteen Candles whenever a cute boy would approach me.
-Not asking enough questions when the timing was appropriate.

Cats:
-Not getting one.

Troublemaking:
-Cutting off that police officer and then getting pulled over. However, I do NOT regret not getting a ticket.
-General plotting/scheming.
-Acquiring additional parking tickets.
-Knocking over the tip jar at Cupcake Royal after Moe Bar happy hour.
Not sending that “card” to my arch nemesis. (Which I still may have regretted if I would have followed through with it).

Money:
-Not picking up that $100 bill off of the ground before Mallory’s friend snatched it up.
-Spending cash on frivolities like lattes instead of drip coffee.
-Over drawing my bank account multiple times. Some on purpose.
-Letting my student loans lapse.
-Paying to watch a movie at Pacific place when I should have just used my free ticket.
-Not tipping as much/often as I should.

Technology:
-Spilling coffee on my computer.
-Using technology to inappropriately, well, let’s call a rose a rose, “stalk” people via facebook, twitter, myspace, and what have you. You do it too!
-Watching too many movies in bed.
-Sporcle-ing… a lot.
-Texting people when/who I shouldn’t have been texting.
-Giving in to twitter.
-Using Craig’s List to try and find roommates, jobs, furniture, well, anything actually.

Fashion:
-Plaid overkill.
-Wearing through too many pairs of leggings.
-Wearing through my red belt.
-Breaking my black heals.
-Buying that white dress that I never wore.
-That shiny dress that matched Mallory’s that we wore to karaoke one time.
-Wearing through my cream colored cardigan.
-Sometimes not changing my clothes for a day or so.

Et cetera:
-Spending the holidays alone due to poor weather.
-Not visiting my mom more when she lived closer.
-Losing at Settler’s of Catan on numerous occasions.
-Eating expired food.
-Barfing.

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Things That Are Dead To Me

October 1, 2009

Dear the following listed items,

I’ve given you a chance… many of you multiple chances. Chancity, chance, chance, chance and there’s a good possibility that you will never get another, so take a good hard look at what you have done, come up with a plan of reconciliation, and get on your knees and tell me you love me or you and I are (in a hushed voice) over. I’ll send you to a list where no amount of clapping can bring you back.

Truly yours,

Ms. Whitworth MD… PhD… emmm, MBA BS, the third.

#1: Myspace

Good luck getting off this list. I feel dirty even thinking about myspace.com. It’s not even because it feels overly commercial, corporate, or professional for that matter. I’d get rid of it entirely if it wasn’t still a good tool to use when “researching” people. “A Place for Friends”… more like a place for shitty rappers and shirtless bro’s to try and lure me into looking at them. Eh, no thanks.

#2: Boom Noodle

Was alive to me, until I was sitting across from a friend at dinner. I ordered a bowl of white rice, he ordered SOMETHING THAT WAS MOVING (which I later found out are bonito flakes, and come from fishes) when it got to the table. It upset me so much tears began to well in me lil’ eyes. True story. So please, for the love of God, don’t let any food that I am near during meal time move. It’s too much of a shock for my heart to take.

#3: Most of the state of South Dakota

And I say “most” because I don’t know that I have experience all of the people or land mass to make a definite “all” yet. But I do feel comfortable sticking with “most” as my negative experiences have been too strong in this state to even go into detail. I don’t think I have a single friend from the big SD. And should you be from there, can you at least do me the favor of pretending you are from North Dakota- which is a fine state or even Wyoming or Nebraska. Big D- as far as you and I am concerned- there is no “us” ’cause ‘merica only has 49 states.

#4: Beecher’s Handmade Cheese

YOU know what you did! Even trumping the deli, you were the worst… mostly due to the management (that is no longer there, may I add). Much like South Dakota, I have nothing left to say to you.

#5: Birthdays

I have forgot a considerable number of birthdays this year, including my dear mother’s, been stood up by an entire birthday party, and as far as my own birthday this past year… no, wait, my birthday party was pretty fun, I must have been confusing it with something else. Be that as it may, I’m now at the age where birthday gifts aren’t really given anymore and having a birthday is a big production anyway, so what is the point? Dead to me.

#6: Everyone on my “Do Not Answer” list in my phone

This is as close as I am going to get to even touching the category of individuals that have upset me enough to make this list. And yes, I do actually have a certain someones in my phone under “do not answer” as their name. Are you one of them? I don’t know, try calling sometime and find out. It could be an adventure.

#7: The dogs upstairs

And if they don’t quit their barking in about five seconds, they will be. At least we are down to only two of them again, instead of three. It is one thing to live in a basement under the scratching of doggie nails on the floor that doesn’t stop during the larger portion of the day- but it is another to live under mean, smelly, old, unattractive dogs that bark at you even though you have been living there for a year. I hope they have their rabies shots because I have seen a lot of mean looking raccoons lately and mysteriously the gate might just be left open if those dogs don’t start treating me a little better.
#8: The Cast of Full House, et al

You maybe asking the question “What has the cast of Full House ever done to you”? What have they done, period? Other than their lack of entertainment skills and ability to be, in any situation, unfunny or take up too much space on the cover of a gossip tabloid where P. Sway should be honored or his life and dance moves more completely? That’s what I thought. Oh, by the way, America is still waiting for the funniest home video. Bob, youtube does your job so much better than you ever could and did.

#9: World Political News

Over it. OVER IT. Does nothing new ever happen in world politics? I mean, seriously, I think half of it is just stock footage/photos at this point in time. Gimme some dogs being rescued or kittens doing funny tricks. I never see foreign animals on in the news, which is a shame. If this could be promptly remedied, perhaps I would consider moving this off of this particular list.

#10: The Recession

I can only play so many Depression Era games before even I get bored. I just want a decent job, the excuses to stop, a better place to live and a manicure already. Recess… is over.

And that’s about it. I’m officially tabooing these items.

My Addictions: A Detailed Description

September 30, 2009

I know there are steps to recovery, but I am just going to do this however I want, and that’s okay, because I know you will all support me in my recovery process. So this is my first step: admitting to my addictions. Mom, dad, family, and friends, I know it may hurt you to hear this, but it’s time I come clean.

Addiction List:

#1: Coke: Well, Diet, actually. Call it what you will, Diet Coke, DC, Lady Coke, Street Smack, it doesn’t change what it is: liquid legal heroin. I’ve been on it for, well, almost a year now. I started this habit when working at Beecher’s Handmade Cheese Co. I’d buy a can on my 10 minute break from across the way for only 50 cents! It spiraled and peaked near the middle of summer, when the Jing and I bought 6 24 packs because they were on sale buy three get three free, but I am happy to report I have only had one D.C. in the past week. Mostly because I am broke.

#2: Staying up past 4 am: Maybe it’s all of the Coke (diet). All I’ll say is that this is my witching hour, so let me do whatever it is I do during this time while you are getting your beauty rest in. Plus, at 4 am, I can rest assured that I am not going to miss any of your text messages or calls- in other words, you should feel honored that I would stay up so late for you! So that I won’t miss talking or texting you!

#3: Breakfast Burritos: The genius behind this food is that it can be eaten, oh, say, ANYTIME. Name me an hour when this meal is not appropriate. Go on… go ahead, name a time… What’s that you say, 4 am? Not true, just ate one an hour ago I made and consumed one while all of you were soundly asleep, and that is a fact. Was it dinner? Breakfast? Kind of both. Yah know, few foods can transition from the dinner hour to the breakfast hour with such ease.

#4: Memorizing the Presidents: For the past three days I have taken it upon myself to be able to list the presidents (thanks must be paid to sporcle.com for the availability of their quiz on U.S. Presidents), in exact order, both backwards and forwards. So far I can do it forwards in just under 2 minutes and backwards in just over. What’s that you say, who came before and after Harrison? Why Cleveland… both times. OH..OH, and who came between Tyler and Taylor? Was it Pierce… NOPE, wrong P named prezzzz pal, it was Polk. POLK. AHAH! Take that 5 year old geniuses whose parents “claim” they know all of the Presidents of the youknightedstates of ‘merica, well so do I! Ha!

#5: Back to the Future: It is past 5:30 a.m. and I am watching this movie for… errrr… the fourth(?) time in the past 24(ish) hours. Whatev’s, right? I’m not saying this movie is my favorite, or even in my top 10 favorite movies, but let’s take a look at this movie and it’s greatness for one moment: It lays down sweet tracks from Huey Lewis and the News, it features teeny-tiny Michael J. Fox at his most adorable, it gave us phrases like “hello McFly (which, granted, I may be the only person who actually uses this phrase, but it could catch on)” and “make like a tree and get out of here”, it taught us about flux capacitors and it personally makes me hold out hope for a Delorean comeback. And lastly, this particular science-fiction-romantic-comedy-family flick predicted that we will have flying cars by 2015… which I believe could happen and am presently looking forward to flying one. And remember kiddos, you can change your present/future by changing your parents’ past, all you need is a nuclear powered time-machine courtesy plutonium from Libyan Nationalists.

#6: Black Coffee and a packet of Sugar in the Raw: Whether it is iced coffee with the packet of sugar in directly in the coffee, or if it is hot and I am licking sugar off of a spoon while drinking black tar, I can’t quit. Truth be told, my insides are killing me for this and I think it may also affect #2, but dammit, make my second cup a third. Mmmm. Good.

#7: Craig’s List Missed Connections and the Stranger’s I Saw U’s: I check these, especially MC’s, more than I check my email on average. Why? Well, who is to say I am always looking for myself? I will have you know, creepy though it may sound, I am also checking diligently to see if any of these spottings are not only for me, but also for you. So far, nothing has really stood out, except that one time that I found an I Saw U for John. But you have my word, as long as I remain an addict, I’ll keep checking… for you… for the children.

#8: The Central Library: Suit me up, I’m going in… at least once, NO, twice a week lately. Yes, I am aware that the Douglass Truth Library is closer and even the Capital Hill branch is more conveniently located and has more DVD selection and is very well organized, but I don’t really give a shit. I like the feeling of the Central Library. I love checking out music there, and I feel like a girl genius after exiting. Plus, it allows me to traverse to the down town area, which I feel as though I have yet to explore.

#9: Making lists: Which is kind of what this blog is about in the first place, but lately my lists have been primarily to-do lists occasionally broken up by the “might as well be dead to me” lists, “friend inventories” and “things that I probably shouldn’t think are funny, but do”…. you know, the type of lists that I can’t really post due to the hurting of feelings that may be blamed on me in future interactions with people I am still in contact with.

I think this list is the bulk of it. Sure, there are others- watching videos of baby animals on youtube while I listen to Coltrane, certain “crush” obsessions, wearing bandannas in my hair and putting my sheets in the dryer at night without even washing them just so that they will be warm and smell good as I drift off to sleep, but those things have already been leaked to the public, so I decided to skip noting them, but they definitely deserve some sort of honorable mention.

Hispters: For Starters…

June 9, 2009

So, tonight was a ravishing night hanging out with some Hipster boys and their more pleasant lady counterparts at Cha Cha- “A Place Where Bros and Hipsters Can Come Together Forever” ®™, but, through the midst of all of my fun, I had to wonder, what is it about Hipsters that bothers me so much?  I mean, I hang out with my fair share of them, on occasion I dress like them, I frequent the same bars and coffee shops… but, and I am going to break one of the following rules, I do not consider myself a Hipster and in fact, am relatively annoyed by them.  So tonight, while I was sitting there wanting to take a meat cleaver to my little wrists (and in clarity, it was because of one boy, and one boy alone out of a group of 6 of us), I came up with this list about Hipsters and what makes me so frustrated around them:

1.)  Bicycles:  It is one thing to ride a bike for exercise or to cut back on your carbon emissions by way of transportation or even for recreation purposes, but Hipsters take it one step further.  Hipsters ride their bikes in some sort of secret “cool kid” competition.  Particularly when it comes to the ever so impractical fixed-gears, or “fixies”, which serve little use in a town full of hills unless you are trying to be cool, in which case, it does its job fine to convey this message to other Hipsters.  
One last thing that bothers me about Hipsters and their sweet rides: the fact that they don’t wear helmets.  Ever.  God forbid you mess up your $10 great clips cut that you pull of as being from some salon of which no one has ever heard.  If you do wear a helmet, you are clearly not a real Hipster.  What could be more fun than speeding down the bus lane on a 15% grade with drivers who don’t give a shit while not wearing a helmet?  Oh yes, LIVING.  
2.) Being Self Absorbed:  I love this one.  I love it because there is no easy way to put it.  Some people have causes that they support: stem cell research, higher pay for doctors, making religion illegal, you get the idea. The Hipsters cause is being a Hipster and supporting the Hipster way of life.  This means, making sure they are up-to-date on everything that is fashionable before it is fashionable- but not too much ahead of the curve, because then you are just being silly.  And I am not just talking about clothing here,  it can be anything.   But, one has to be able to back it up with the statement “oh no, I was doing this a long time ago”.  Example: “I’ve been listening to vinyl since middle school”.  Bullshit you were, you were listening to cassette tapes of Mariah Carey back then.  I’m not afraid to ask your mother and prove it.  It all just goes back to self assurance.  Self assurance that yes, you are, in fact, a Hipster and you fit into a crowd, though you are indeed a forward thinking/acting individual, with individual style and individual plaid prints.  Though this is never to be spoken aloud, see bullet point number 6.
3.) Houses with names:  Some people name their cars, some people name their kids, Hipsters name their houses.  Why?  Just to be clever.  There really is no other purpose that I have found from this.  And if there was any doubt as to whether there was some sort of relation along the Bro/Frat Boy blood line and that that runs through the veins of Hipsters, look no further than this fact: They both name their houses.
4.) “Thrift Store” shoppers:  Take it from someone who actually has to shop at thrift stores due to an un-sizable income- other than maybe a pair of jeans that can be turned into cut-offs, Hipsters, true Hipsters, rarely buy from actual thrift stores.  On occasion they will, but mostly it is avoided.  Sure, their clothes may not always be brand new, but the trendy boutiques that they (and I am guilty of as well from time to time when allowance, well, allows me to) shop at, are not thrift stores.  Vintage is not thrift.  And if it is not vintage, which a lot of it isn’t, it is expensive.  Very, very expensive.  I’m talking higher than $30 for a shirt or some shitty canvas shoes.  But of course, when talking to polite company, always mention that you got your shoes from Value Village on sale for $3.  Oh yeah, and then give a wink, as to really say “I got this from Zebra Club”.
5.) Hang-out spots:  I hate when people “claim” spots.  Hipsters are like the Christopher Columbus’s of the modern world.  I am sorry, you did not “discover” Stumptown… it was made for you.  Same goes for bars, cheep eateries (as Hipsters love cheep stuff… I think probably so that they can spend more money on their bikes), and anything that is considered “divey” but caters to only a crowd of 20- early 30 somethings.  Let me tell you this, oh Hipster high and mighty, it isn’t a dive if I can’t see at least two people with out any teeth and one woman who has had 8 or so children and a crack problem,  otherwise its just a themed bar/restaurant/bingo lounge.
6.) Denial:  This is by far my favorite of the Hipster annoyances.  I love (and by that I mean I barf) when every time, and this will happen with every single Hipster, the term “Hipster” is brought up, they all claim they are not of that variety.  Paradoxical dear Watson!  How is it that there are so many effing Hipsters in Seattle Proper, and yet, I can’t seem to find anyone who says that they are a Hipster.  It’s almost a myth, like Big Foot.  I especially like when the clear-cut obvious types tell me that they hate Hipsters.  Maybe they are just trying to say that they hate themselves, which brings upon self-loathing/pity, which brings about being self-absorbed, which brings us back to bullet point number two.  Case solved.