Archive for the ‘'Merica’ Category

Things That Are Dead To Me

October 1, 2009

Dear the following listed items,

I’ve given you a chance… many of you multiple chances. Chancity, chance, chance, chance and there’s a good possibility that you will never get another, so take a good hard look at what you have done, come up with a plan of reconciliation, and get on your knees and tell me you love me or you and I are (in a hushed voice) over. I’ll send you to a list where no amount of clapping can bring you back.

Truly yours,

Ms. Whitworth MD… PhD… emmm, MBA BS, the third.

#1: Myspace

Good luck getting off this list. I feel dirty even thinking about myspace.com. It’s not even because it feels overly commercial, corporate, or professional for that matter. I’d get rid of it entirely if it wasn’t still a good tool to use when “researching” people. “A Place for Friends”… more like a place for shitty rappers and shirtless bro’s to try and lure me into looking at them. Eh, no thanks.

#2: Boom Noodle

Was alive to me, until I was sitting across from a friend at dinner. I ordered a bowl of white rice, he ordered SOMETHING THAT WAS MOVING (which I later found out are bonito flakes, and come from fishes) when it got to the table. It upset me so much tears began to well in me lil’ eyes. True story. So please, for the love of God, don’t let any food that I am near during meal time move. It’s too much of a shock for my heart to take.

#3: Most of the state of South Dakota

And I say “most” because I don’t know that I have experience all of the people or land mass to make a definite “all” yet. But I do feel comfortable sticking with “most” as my negative experiences have been too strong in this state to even go into detail. I don’t think I have a single friend from the big SD. And should you be from there, can you at least do me the favor of pretending you are from North Dakota- which is a fine state or even Wyoming or Nebraska. Big D- as far as you and I am concerned- there is no “us” ’cause ‘merica only has 49 states.

#4: Beecher’s Handmade Cheese

YOU know what you did! Even trumping the deli, you were the worst… mostly due to the management (that is no longer there, may I add). Much like South Dakota, I have nothing left to say to you.

#5: Birthdays

I have forgot a considerable number of birthdays this year, including my dear mother’s, been stood up by an entire birthday party, and as far as my own birthday this past year… no, wait, my birthday party was pretty fun, I must have been confusing it with something else. Be that as it may, I’m now at the age where birthday gifts aren’t really given anymore and having a birthday is a big production anyway, so what is the point? Dead to me.

#6: Everyone on my “Do Not Answer” list in my phone

This is as close as I am going to get to even touching the category of individuals that have upset me enough to make this list. And yes, I do actually have a certain someones in my phone under “do not answer” as their name. Are you one of them? I don’t know, try calling sometime and find out. It could be an adventure.

#7: The dogs upstairs

And if they don’t quit their barking in about five seconds, they will be. At least we are down to only two of them again, instead of three. It is one thing to live in a basement under the scratching of doggie nails on the floor that doesn’t stop during the larger portion of the day- but it is another to live under mean, smelly, old, unattractive dogs that bark at you even though you have been living there for a year. I hope they have their rabies shots because I have seen a lot of mean looking raccoons lately and mysteriously the gate might just be left open if those dogs don’t start treating me a little better.
#8: The Cast of Full House, et al

You maybe asking the question “What has the cast of Full House ever done to you”? What have they done, period? Other than their lack of entertainment skills and ability to be, in any situation, unfunny or take up too much space on the cover of a gossip tabloid where P. Sway should be honored or his life and dance moves more completely? That’s what I thought. Oh, by the way, America is still waiting for the funniest home video. Bob, youtube does your job so much better than you ever could and did.

#9: World Political News

Over it. OVER IT. Does nothing new ever happen in world politics? I mean, seriously, I think half of it is just stock footage/photos at this point in time. Gimme some dogs being rescued or kittens doing funny tricks. I never see foreign animals on in the news, which is a shame. If this could be promptly remedied, perhaps I would consider moving this off of this particular list.

#10: The Recession

I can only play so many Depression Era games before even I get bored. I just want a decent job, the excuses to stop, a better place to live and a manicure already. Recess… is over.

And that’s about it. I’m officially tabooing these items.

Work It Out

May 27, 2009
America, land of the free samples, home of the Atlanta Braves, but partial to child labor? Can it be? Let us recap, for a moment, the way in which children are being subjected to such practices.

Exhibit A: As summer approaches, many of America’s youth take to the streets. But are lemonade stands as innocent as they seem? Or are they America’s way of replacing those neon-yellow “children at play” yield signs with a more devious, dark, “children at work” variety…? The facts stand: hourly, a child lemonade stand attendant can make, …well, as there are no formal studies done (at least none that pop-up on the first page of a google search), we will say tops $3 an hour. Usually, but not always, there are two children working the stand, which would mean these children are working under the metaphorical “lemonade table” for $1.50 an hour. Now, maybe they get tips every now and then, but I doubt those little rug-rats are reporting that on their W2’s. Oh wait a minute, what’s that? Oh, yes, I forgot to mention that this work is also unregulated and there are no w2 forms for filing. I vote on passing lemonade stand unions.

Exhibit B: Babysitting. From personal experience, I started babysitting when I was 1o years old. I think I worked for $5 an hour- but that was 13 years ago, I imagine prices have gone up… or have they? At any rate, this is a classic case of outsourcing; cutting away the professionals who need the job to support the bubble-gum habits of pre-teens. When qualified adults babysit, they are called “nannies”, when unqualified kiddos do it, it is called child labor.
Exhibit C: Mowing lawns. Much like exhibit A, only with a higher going rate, due to the increased level of bodily harm. If there was ever a child labor union, they should see too it that lawn mowers (the workers, not the machines) get good medical and dental packages, for not only do they run the risk of bodily injury, but also heat stroke. And you may as well throw in dental, just in case a fight between two kid competitors breaks out over whose turf is whose to mow. On a side note, I feel that male youngsters are more commonly employed in this field than female youngsters. Let the union also see to change that.
Exhibit D: Finally, car washers. Can’t we just leave this job to cheerleaders in string bikinis and *cough, cough* bros from the frat down the street wearing nothing but board shorts, backwards hats, okley’s, and AEĀ® flip-flops? Why take jobs from those who really, really need them?
One last note: I found this site which I have linked here. Can we call this monster.com/childlabor? Please?

The Bachelor Game

May 7, 2009
So, as many of you may know (or should), James Buchanan was the only US President to have been a bachelor, not only his entire career, but also his entire life.
And for the record, I have been thinking about this for a long time.
So, let’s get to the point. A little bit about our Bachelor:
James Buchanan Jr. was born in a little town (weren’t they all back then) in Pennsylvania in a log cabin. Possibly one of the worst presidents the USA has ever had to offer because of the poor condition his country was in leading up to the famous Civil War of the United States, poor James found himself hated, and probably single because of it. Perhaps if he would have had a good woman to help him in this time of crisis, his yin to his yang, his ham to his rye, his Hillary to his Bill, things would have faired better for Mr. Buchanan. So let’s welcome the ladies shall we?

Contestant Number 1.)
Known for her work with civil rights and feminism, her ability to make friends with people who count and will some day change the world and face of politics, and her uncanny ability to know that her right side is indeed her best side for photographing/portraits/coins:

Susan B Anthony

Contestant Number 2.)
Born into a well connected family with bling-bling and status symbols, this young heart throb (and if you go into battle, you better make sure she is there to check yours) worked to pioneer the nursing field as well as to push her works into the field of mathematics. This “Lady with the Lamp” might just set your heart aflame:

Florence Nightingale

Contestant Number 3.)
Though a little scrawny and a bit reclusive, don’t let this self-proclaimed “Nobody” fool you. This spit fire poet enjoys sentimental conversations, Shakespeare and getting caught in the rain:

Emily Dickinson
Contestant Number 4.)
Who doesn’t like a woman of mystery? Little is known about this siren except that she lived during that 1950s in Ohio and was a hottie with style:

This Lady
So there you have it. I don’t know what Buchanan’s problem was, because the dating scene back in the day was prime for the picking.