Archive for the ‘Hipsters’ Category

Light My Fire

October 6, 2009

I’m sick of candles smelling like fruits and flowers. What’s more, I’m sick of “holiday” candles that smell like “Holidazzle Cookies” or “Santa’s Big Ride”… let the record show that those aren’t really scents. They aren’t even clever names. So, my new plan, when I make a bajillion dollars, is to have my own candle making factory (that would also double as a speak easy, both of which the logistics still need some obvious work). Most of the scents that I have come up with thus far are what I would consider “unconventional earthy” scents. Perhaps you are wondering what type of market is out there for such candles? Other than myself? Probability shows it would most likely be those silly “trendy” hipsters, Oprah, and maybe rest homes. So here is a list of non-traditional, but enjoyable, scents we would produce:

1.) Matches

Let’s face it, the first 4 seconds of trying to light the candle via match and its 4 second successor- the smell of the match after it has been blown out- is the best part. So why not have a candle that smells like that in its entirety?

2.) Wood Chips

I used to keep various rodents as pets. Gross, whatever, I know, but save your judgement for someone who will use it. Granted the pets themselves smelled bad, no, terrible, but the fresh wood chips (I believe them to be cedar, but who knows) always made me really happy. I know there are candles that smell like pine/forest/winter wonderland, but I am talking cedar. CEDAR. Make it for me. Now.

3.) Spray Paint

This is going to be misconstrued, so before you make your assumptions, let me clear the freshly scented air by releasing this statement: I am not now, nor have I ever participated in, huffing spray paint. DARE. Even so, this does not stop my love affair with the smell of spray paint. In the world of paint, it simply smells the best. Therefore, there should be a candle scented as such.

4.) Toast*

This is as close as I think a candle should get to smelling like a baked good. Let me level with you- toast smells like food, but it is not overpowering; it is light and isn’t going to make you want to vomit at 6 am if lit due to a power outage or natural disaster.

5.) Newsprint

New books, magazines, and even newspapers smell divine. I think this particular scent is like saying- “hey world, I am an intellectual”, and what shitster… er, hipster, wouldn’t want to say that? Especially if it meant they didn’t actually have to read anything at all! I also recognize that this scent would have be really light, as we all know of the “Tacoma Aroma” and how bad paper mills smell. We wouldn’t want that to happen, now would we? I thought not. Maybe it would be best to keep it smelling like glossy magazines.

6.) The inside of my dyer

I know there are already candles out there that smell like “cotton” and “fresh laundry”, but I have yet to capture one that actually smells as good as freshly dried clothes. I want to put my bed sheets in the dryer right now just to have that experience. Should this candle company ever lift off, I promise you that I will perfect this scent.

7.) Carmex™

It smells good. Probably best used during winter months, though. Also, to emphasize the point, I think I would want to sell this particular candle in a holder that looks like a Carmex™ container. It might boost profits on this one, as it may be a harder sell than the previously listed items.

8.) Rubber Cement

As with the spray paint, I do not have a substance sniffing addiction. But you are a fool if you don’t think rubber cement smells good. I could also make a substitution here for model glue, which is also fantastic.

I know this really isn’t enough to constitute an entire line of candles, but it is a work in progress. Plus, it is something to get the ball rolling. Someday, you may come over to my house and wonder, (out loud, of course), “Whitney, is your roommate an arson, because it sure smells a lot like matches in here?” To which I will inform you that, no, (s)he is not, I am just burning the candle that smells like burning matches. And then I will probably give you one as a birthday/anniversary/Arbor Day gift or something. And yes, you can thank me now, in advance.

*Note: Smell should be that of unburnt toast.

Hispters: For Starters…

June 9, 2009

So, tonight was a ravishing night hanging out with some Hipster boys and their more pleasant lady counterparts at Cha Cha- “A Place Where Bros and Hipsters Can Come Together Forever” ®™, but, through the midst of all of my fun, I had to wonder, what is it about Hipsters that bothers me so much?  I mean, I hang out with my fair share of them, on occasion I dress like them, I frequent the same bars and coffee shops… but, and I am going to break one of the following rules, I do not consider myself a Hipster and in fact, am relatively annoyed by them.  So tonight, while I was sitting there wanting to take a meat cleaver to my little wrists (and in clarity, it was because of one boy, and one boy alone out of a group of 6 of us), I came up with this list about Hipsters and what makes me so frustrated around them:

1.)  Bicycles:  It is one thing to ride a bike for exercise or to cut back on your carbon emissions by way of transportation or even for recreation purposes, but Hipsters take it one step further.  Hipsters ride their bikes in some sort of secret “cool kid” competition.  Particularly when it comes to the ever so impractical fixed-gears, or “fixies”, which serve little use in a town full of hills unless you are trying to be cool, in which case, it does its job fine to convey this message to other Hipsters.  
One last thing that bothers me about Hipsters and their sweet rides: the fact that they don’t wear helmets.  Ever.  God forbid you mess up your $10 great clips cut that you pull of as being from some salon of which no one has ever heard.  If you do wear a helmet, you are clearly not a real Hipster.  What could be more fun than speeding down the bus lane on a 15% grade with drivers who don’t give a shit while not wearing a helmet?  Oh yes, LIVING.  
2.) Being Self Absorbed:  I love this one.  I love it because there is no easy way to put it.  Some people have causes that they support: stem cell research, higher pay for doctors, making religion illegal, you get the idea. The Hipsters cause is being a Hipster and supporting the Hipster way of life.  This means, making sure they are up-to-date on everything that is fashionable before it is fashionable- but not too much ahead of the curve, because then you are just being silly.  And I am not just talking about clothing here,  it can be anything.   But, one has to be able to back it up with the statement “oh no, I was doing this a long time ago”.  Example: “I’ve been listening to vinyl since middle school”.  Bullshit you were, you were listening to cassette tapes of Mariah Carey back then.  I’m not afraid to ask your mother and prove it.  It all just goes back to self assurance.  Self assurance that yes, you are, in fact, a Hipster and you fit into a crowd, though you are indeed a forward thinking/acting individual, with individual style and individual plaid prints.  Though this is never to be spoken aloud, see bullet point number 6.
3.) Houses with names:  Some people name their cars, some people name their kids, Hipsters name their houses.  Why?  Just to be clever.  There really is no other purpose that I have found from this.  And if there was any doubt as to whether there was some sort of relation along the Bro/Frat Boy blood line and that that runs through the veins of Hipsters, look no further than this fact: They both name their houses.
4.) “Thrift Store” shoppers:  Take it from someone who actually has to shop at thrift stores due to an un-sizable income- other than maybe a pair of jeans that can be turned into cut-offs, Hipsters, true Hipsters, rarely buy from actual thrift stores.  On occasion they will, but mostly it is avoided.  Sure, their clothes may not always be brand new, but the trendy boutiques that they (and I am guilty of as well from time to time when allowance, well, allows me to) shop at, are not thrift stores.  Vintage is not thrift.  And if it is not vintage, which a lot of it isn’t, it is expensive.  Very, very expensive.  I’m talking higher than $30 for a shirt or some shitty canvas shoes.  But of course, when talking to polite company, always mention that you got your shoes from Value Village on sale for $3.  Oh yeah, and then give a wink, as to really say “I got this from Zebra Club”.
5.) Hang-out spots:  I hate when people “claim” spots.  Hipsters are like the Christopher Columbus’s of the modern world.  I am sorry, you did not “discover” Stumptown… it was made for you.  Same goes for bars, cheep eateries (as Hipsters love cheep stuff… I think probably so that they can spend more money on their bikes), and anything that is considered “divey” but caters to only a crowd of 20- early 30 somethings.  Let me tell you this, oh Hipster high and mighty, it isn’t a dive if I can’t see at least two people with out any teeth and one woman who has had 8 or so children and a crack problem,  otherwise its just a themed bar/restaurant/bingo lounge.
6.) Denial:  This is by far my favorite of the Hipster annoyances.  I love (and by that I mean I barf) when every time, and this will happen with every single Hipster, the term “Hipster” is brought up, they all claim they are not of that variety.  Paradoxical dear Watson!  How is it that there are so many effing Hipsters in Seattle Proper, and yet, I can’t seem to find anyone who says that they are a Hipster.  It’s almost a myth, like Big Foot.  I especially like when the clear-cut obvious types tell me that they hate Hipsters.  Maybe they are just trying to say that they hate themselves, which brings upon self-loathing/pity, which brings about being self-absorbed, which brings us back to bullet point number two.  Case solved.