Archive for the ‘Comebacks’ Category

Don’t Call This a Comeback

June 14, 2009

If you are a banker, more than likely you are going to be a banker for life. If you are an actor, you can just up and quit whenever, leaving your fans with only vague memories of what it used to be when you did more than promote Earth Day events or wear Live Strong™ bracelets. Here are some actors that I just think need to get back in the game before the up-and-coming young actors take over forever and innocent audience members are stuck watching Mary Kate & Ashley TV or worse. So, to the following actors, get your shit together! I am going crazy with nostalgia about how things used to be better here. Thanks!

1.) Rick Moranis

Notable works: Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Honey I Blew Up the Baby, Honey We Shrunk Ourselves, Space Balls, Canadian Bacon.
What roll he should play next: I read recently that Rick Moranis left working as an actor so he could focus on being a stay-at-home single-parent (slash) work on country music albums. That’s sweet Ricky, but get your ass back to work! The world needs you- and by that, I mean I need you. I would suggest you create another HISTK movie, but the last one, Honey We Shrunk Ourselves, kind of blew… a lot. So here is my advice to you: could you please just play the father figure of one of the following curly haired male celebrities in an independent comedy with slight romantic undertones: Either Shia Labeouf, Johna Hill or, and preferably, Michael Cera. Thanks.
2.) Shelly Duvall


Notable works: The Shining, Story Book Theater, Mother Goose Rock ‘n’ Rhyme.
What roll she should play next: In context, Ms. Duvall could do what Charlize Theron did in Monster with less of a cost in the make-up department. She is so naturally emaciatedin looks perhaps she should venture to take part in a film about a heroine addict or mother struggling with an eating disorder which would play as a Life Time TV movie. I would most definitely watch it. Let’s face it, I would probably watch any Life Time TV movie. (Too Young to be a Dad, A Secret Between Friends, anyone… anyone..?)
3.) Tim Curry

Notable works: Rocky Horror Picture Show, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.
What roll he should play next: Given Tim Curry’s natural creepiness, which wanes just under that of Steve Buscemi and Christopher Walken (which if you doubt that they are creepy, I am creating a post about that topic as well)… Me thinks it only natural to have Tim Curry work regularly as one of the “Others” or “Other Others” (or what ever the hell sort of kick they are on right now) on the TV show Lost. In fact, I wouldn’t mind if you killed off the following characters so you could afford to replace them on the series with Mr. Curry: John Locke, Jack, Kate, Ben, Desmond, Sawyer, Hurley, Sun, Jin, Sayid, All of the Others, Jack’s Dad, Charles Whitmore, Penny Whitmore- screw it! Replace them all and have Tim Curry do a one man show. I bet ratings (and my personal viewership) would increase by inconceivable amounts.
4.) Jane Seymour

Notible Works: Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Gerber Baby Commercials.
What roll she should play next: I think she should have gotten the roll that Dakota Fanning got in New Moon- the second chapter in the Twilight series. Granted, I have never read the books and did not like the first movie, I still think she would have been a better choice. Why? Because I dislike Dakota so much. Plus, by doing this, you will increase the Twilight audience by including in the target market people like, oh, say, my mother. I mean, the new Star Trek did it by extending its aim to a younger audience via making the characters hot and limiting the amount of Leonard Nimoy the audience was exposed to. There is a lot of cross pollination of moviegoers right now- I think Twilight is going to miss the boat if they don’t act quickly. Tweens don’t stay tweens forever you know!
5.) Dana Carvey

Notable Works: Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World 2, SNL, Master of Disguise (yeah right, as if anyone actually watched that one).
What roll he should play next: He should play The Riddler if ever the new Batman series decides to portray that character. And no offense to the late some-what great (if only in retrospect) Heath Ledger, but Dana seems like taking on a roll of this sort of nature would not push him over the edge.

(and one day Whitney Whitworth)… just a suggestion from myself to my future self.