Archive for the ‘Childhood’ Category

Don’t Call This a Comeback

June 14, 2009

If you are a banker, more than likely you are going to be a banker for life. If you are an actor, you can just up and quit whenever, leaving your fans with only vague memories of what it used to be when you did more than promote Earth Day events or wear Live Strong™ bracelets. Here are some actors that I just think need to get back in the game before the up-and-coming young actors take over forever and innocent audience members are stuck watching Mary Kate & Ashley TV or worse. So, to the following actors, get your shit together! I am going crazy with nostalgia about how things used to be better here. Thanks!

1.) Rick Moranis

Notable works: Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Honey I Blew Up the Baby, Honey We Shrunk Ourselves, Space Balls, Canadian Bacon.
What roll he should play next: I read recently that Rick Moranis left working as an actor so he could focus on being a stay-at-home single-parent (slash) work on country music albums. That’s sweet Ricky, but get your ass back to work! The world needs you- and by that, I mean I need you. I would suggest you create another HISTK movie, but the last one, Honey We Shrunk Ourselves, kind of blew… a lot. So here is my advice to you: could you please just play the father figure of one of the following curly haired male celebrities in an independent comedy with slight romantic undertones: Either Shia Labeouf, Johna Hill or, and preferably, Michael Cera. Thanks.
2.) Shelly Duvall


Notable works: The Shining, Story Book Theater, Mother Goose Rock ‘n’ Rhyme.
What roll she should play next: In context, Ms. Duvall could do what Charlize Theron did in Monster with less of a cost in the make-up department. She is so naturally emaciatedin looks perhaps she should venture to take part in a film about a heroine addict or mother struggling with an eating disorder which would play as a Life Time TV movie. I would most definitely watch it. Let’s face it, I would probably watch any Life Time TV movie. (Too Young to be a Dad, A Secret Between Friends, anyone… anyone..?)
3.) Tim Curry

Notable works: Rocky Horror Picture Show, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.
What roll he should play next: Given Tim Curry’s natural creepiness, which wanes just under that of Steve Buscemi and Christopher Walken (which if you doubt that they are creepy, I am creating a post about that topic as well)… Me thinks it only natural to have Tim Curry work regularly as one of the “Others” or “Other Others” (or what ever the hell sort of kick they are on right now) on the TV show Lost. In fact, I wouldn’t mind if you killed off the following characters so you could afford to replace them on the series with Mr. Curry: John Locke, Jack, Kate, Ben, Desmond, Sawyer, Hurley, Sun, Jin, Sayid, All of the Others, Jack’s Dad, Charles Whitmore, Penny Whitmore- screw it! Replace them all and have Tim Curry do a one man show. I bet ratings (and my personal viewership) would increase by inconceivable amounts.
4.) Jane Seymour

Notible Works: Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Gerber Baby Commercials.
What roll she should play next: I think she should have gotten the roll that Dakota Fanning got in New Moon- the second chapter in the Twilight series. Granted, I have never read the books and did not like the first movie, I still think she would have been a better choice. Why? Because I dislike Dakota so much. Plus, by doing this, you will increase the Twilight audience by including in the target market people like, oh, say, my mother. I mean, the new Star Trek did it by extending its aim to a younger audience via making the characters hot and limiting the amount of Leonard Nimoy the audience was exposed to. There is a lot of cross pollination of moviegoers right now- I think Twilight is going to miss the boat if they don’t act quickly. Tweens don’t stay tweens forever you know!
5.) Dana Carvey

Notable Works: Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World 2, SNL, Master of Disguise (yeah right, as if anyone actually watched that one).
What roll he should play next: He should play The Riddler if ever the new Batman series decides to portray that character. And no offense to the late some-what great (if only in retrospect) Heath Ledger, but Dana seems like taking on a roll of this sort of nature would not push him over the edge.

(and one day Whitney Whitworth)… just a suggestion from myself to my future self.

Useless Items

June 12, 2009

How does the phrase go?  Necessity is the key to invention?  Invention is necessary?  Necessity is the spice of life?  

Okay, after looking it up the actual quote that links the two is, “necessity is the mother of invention”… whatever.  Point being, not all things invented are necessary.  Here are some unnecessary inventions, to say the least:

1.) Gum Savers- I had one as a child.  If you have never had one, it is probably because they are so vile and you really shouldn’t need one, as everyone knows that old gum hardens and collects/breeds bacteria that should probably not be re-consumed and seems rather undesirable.  Plus, if you are rich enough to afford a gum saver, then you are rich enough to afford a new piece of gum.  Especially if it is Juicy Fruit™.  
2.) Bedazzelers™- This one explains itself pretty well.  Nothing should ever be “bedazzled”, especially not cheep denim.  
3.) Diaries with locks- So maybe the male population will not understand this, but as a female growing up I had my fair share of diaries, each with a lock on the outside.  The problem?  Every single diary with a lock has the same key and can be easily picked with any tool smaller than the lock itself.  For me, it was a false sense of security.  My solution?  To make books which I was sure no one would ever be interested in reading into diaries.  
4.) Noodles- Awkward to carry, worthless for actually supporting or saving someone’s life if they were to drown, and made from that foam which produced a terrible sound both when wet and dry.  Yuk.  Listen, either learn to swim properly, or get a useful, less likely to be used as a pool weapon, floatation device.  Hell, I don’t care of you are 50 and wearing water wings, just leave the goddamn noodles at home.  
5.) Candle Snuffers- My, aren’t you just the dainty one with your candle snuffer?  Wait… you what?  You couldn’t just blow the candle out?  OH, okay, that makes so much more sense to me now.  No, wait.  It doesn’t.  Next birthday, I am going to try and pull this one and see how frustrated people get whilst I attempt to snuff out 24 candles one by one.  
6.) Sham Wow™- This is a simple one, as the Sham Wow™ is just regular pieces of felt.  
7.) Dog Diaper- Just suck it up and train your dog already.  Oh, wait, or you could get off your lazy ass and actually take your dog outside once in a while.  I also hate that this particular varie-tay is washable… I mean, I get it, environmentally friendly, but well… you know how I feel about dogs pooping.  I’m just going to leave it at that.  
8.) Dog Car Seat- I know people love their pets… but come on.  Not to rag on unnecessary dog products, but this just seems insane and uncomfortable for the dog- unless you have a dog like my mothers, who, when it rides in the car, refuses to sit anywhere but on the arm of the driver looking out the window, which is both uncomfortable and dangerous.  Again, as in with the doggie diaper, just train your dog to behave in the first place.  Problem solved.  
9.) The Magic Bullet™- …okay, I know how much many people love the magic bullet, in fact, and I would swear before a jury, it is my favorite infomercial of all time.  HOWEVER, the Magic Bullet™ does nothing that a regular blender/food processor can not do, only the Magic Bullet™ does it in smaller quantities and actually takes more effort than a simple food processor.  

Wear Me Out

June 11, 2009

One of my friends once (recently) told me that my fashion sense was somewhat like that of Blossom’s… you remember, the chick with the big hats and crushed velvet outfits.  I guess I haven’t made as much progress in my ensembles as I had thought.  

Yes, I can admit that I have made some poor decisions when it came to choosing my own clothes during my early years.  Let me recap some of those mistakes for you, in order that makes the most chronological sense:

-Velcro® Troll™ Shoes- OK, it is not my fault that I was once a child.  Let’s just clear that part up. And along with being a child, comes the addition of velcro® on all sorts of articles of clothing; for baby hands, it just makes life easier.  So the velcro is not the upsetting part and must be put aside to focus on the real problem.  The troll part, which is what was these shoes a mistake.  I can recall them vividly: they were white and pink with an actual removable troll head that attached to the tongue of the shoe as well as an image of a troll on the side of the shoe.  What one does with a removable troll head is beyond my comprehension.
-Purple Suede Shoes- Another bad shoe choice, but I loved these ones.  They were crushed deep purple suede with a bit of a chunky heal (and by that I mean, as much of a heal as is allowed for a 9 year old) and actual black ribbon for the laces.  The image that follows is actually what the shoes looked like.  
-JC Penny t-shirts- Well, really, it was one shirt in particular that I recall.  It was a white t-shirt with a lady bug with a white shell that was spotted like a soccer ball and bellow that read the words “don’t bug me, I’m playing soccer” in purple and black letters.  Gross you say?  Yes, and let me also explain that I wasn’t even playing or interested in playing or even watching soccer at the time.  And what is worse?  I picked it out myself.
-Tinted sunglasses- I had several pair: green, red, purple and perhaps even yellow- all which were very round and very small… think, oh, Diane Keaton or Elton John, only cheaper versions, as I believe them to have been purchased at our local dollar store.  
-Baggy Jeans-  In middle school I started wearing, not just flared jeans, but baggy flared jeans.  Oh wait, it gets better.  I had two pairs of these jeans and both pairs had embroidered cartoon girls on the back pockets.  Oh baby, yes.  I might also add that one pair was that of a very light wash, the other a medium blue.  
-Pants Only- For the majority of my high school career I refused to wear skirts, dresses, or jeans (probably due to the baggy jean fiasco of my middle school naivety).  What does this mean?  I wore a lot of pants.  Oh yes, I forgot to mention, they were mostly dress pants.  Whoot whoot.  Let me also state for the record that not all of the dress pants I owned and wore were black.  Some were grey, some were khakis, and some were forest green.  I also think I owned a pair of brown chords.  It wasn’t until senior year when I actually bought a real pair of jeans- primarily because I was then interested in exploring the converse and jeans look.  It was a good cross over. 
-Dusters- Most articles of clothing whose ownership ended up being a mistake I have come to realize, were primarily purchased in pairs.  My “dusters” where no different.  I possessed and regularly wore two- one grey and one black.  Modern society questions why would a person even need one.  I mean, granted yes, I lived in Montana and that look was stylish back in the late 1800’s, though made of different material and cut, but there is and was no excuse for this behavior in the modern world, uncivilized territory or not.  And yes, for the record, I wore them OVER my dress pants.  
-Cat collars- I used to wear, as bracelets, my cats’ collars.  I just wanted to be closer to them during sophomore health class…  Sometimes I would even wear several at a time, many of which were jewel studded.
-Puffy jackets- I have two in my closet right now: one is shiny purple (pictured bellow) and one is shiny green.  Both have furry hoods.  I still wear them on occasion, though I know it is a mistake, but cold times call for warm jackets- both serve their part well.

-I am sure my next big regret will be my overuse of bandanas (pictured above), but fugg it, I don’t care!

Work It Out

May 27, 2009
America, land of the free samples, home of the Atlanta Braves, but partial to child labor? Can it be? Let us recap, for a moment, the way in which children are being subjected to such practices.

Exhibit A: As summer approaches, many of America’s youth take to the streets. But are lemonade stands as innocent as they seem? Or are they America’s way of replacing those neon-yellow “children at play” yield signs with a more devious, dark, “children at work” variety…? The facts stand: hourly, a child lemonade stand attendant can make, …well, as there are no formal studies done (at least none that pop-up on the first page of a google search), we will say tops $3 an hour. Usually, but not always, there are two children working the stand, which would mean these children are working under the metaphorical “lemonade table” for $1.50 an hour. Now, maybe they get tips every now and then, but I doubt those little rug-rats are reporting that on their W2’s. Oh wait a minute, what’s that? Oh, yes, I forgot to mention that this work is also unregulated and there are no w2 forms for filing. I vote on passing lemonade stand unions.

Exhibit B: Babysitting. From personal experience, I started babysitting when I was 1o years old. I think I worked for $5 an hour- but that was 13 years ago, I imagine prices have gone up… or have they? At any rate, this is a classic case of outsourcing; cutting away the professionals who need the job to support the bubble-gum habits of pre-teens. When qualified adults babysit, they are called “nannies”, when unqualified kiddos do it, it is called child labor.
Exhibit C: Mowing lawns. Much like exhibit A, only with a higher going rate, due to the increased level of bodily harm. If there was ever a child labor union, they should see too it that lawn mowers (the workers, not the machines) get good medical and dental packages, for not only do they run the risk of bodily injury, but also heat stroke. And you may as well throw in dental, just in case a fight between two kid competitors breaks out over whose turf is whose to mow. On a side note, I feel that male youngsters are more commonly employed in this field than female youngsters. Let the union also see to change that.
Exhibit D: Finally, car washers. Can’t we just leave this job to cheerleaders in string bikinis and *cough, cough* bros from the frat down the street wearing nothing but board shorts, backwards hats, okley’s, and AE® flip-flops? Why take jobs from those who really, really need them?
One last note: I found this site which I have linked here. Can we call this monster.com/childlabor? Please?

Toys of My Past

May 8, 2009

Here are some toys from my past and how they could have been made better if only the manufacturers would have put a tiny bit more thought into, well, me.

1.) Furby
I think Furby could have been A LOT better if it would have been combined with other toy technology of the times.  Here’s how: Furby + Gigapet= The results, which would be a Furby with the life-span of a gigapet, so when it started to get too annoying, you could just let it run its course.  Oh, also if it could say more intelligent phrases.  Instead of “Furby hungry” it could say, oh, I don’t know, something along the lines of “If you don’t feed Furby, Furby will call CPS on your bitch ass”…  
2.) Sky Dancers:
This one is easy, because everyone knows that the way to improve any toy of flight is to make sure the wings are actually some sort of blades of glory/throwing stars.  Sky dancers were fun to play with for no more than five seconds, at least with the addition of danger wings, fun might last until someone looses a finger.  
3.) Puppy Surprise/Kitty Surprise/Bunny Surprise:
My one wish for this toy was that the babies spawned from this toy were actually surprising.  I have a few ideas on how to make this happen: three legged kittens (a subject near to my heart), two headed puppies, the bunnies could give birth to squirrels or something.  But wait!  There is more.  Instead of simply opening up the Velcro® pouch and releasing the bundles of joy, you would have to dig through a placenta representation of goop (think Gac®™) to find your surprises.  This way you get two toys, baby animals and Gac®™.  More bang for your pets buck.
4.) Teddy Ruckspin:
I think Teddy Ruckspin had great potential in the early days to act as a sort of primitive TeeVo®. Imagine, if you will, instead of Teddy reading you stories, he would instead/in addition to, have the ability to recap (not a line by line bit, more like a 2 minute summation) a television show you may have missed.  I would also make the suggestion that his voice be turned into that of Gary Coleman if at all possible.  
5.) Street Sharks:
I propose that the toy itself not be changed, but the story line behind it be modified.  Instead of fighting other creatures, Street Sharks actually battle their arch enemies the Land Sharks- a group of big shot lawyers who try to “clean up the streets” by throwing innocent street kids in jail for crimes committed by the dirt bags of the corporate world and dirty politicians.  Street Sharks.
6.) Ribbon Dancer:
If the ribbons were actually sparklers, then maybe (but no guarantees) would Ribbon Dancers actually be cool.  Maybe if they were sparklers and also a fashionable belt afterwards.  I really tried here, but let’s face it, there is no way to make Ribbon Dancing cool.
7.) And finally, Light Bright:
On second thought, this toy was perfect.  No changes necessary.  

Mothers Day 09

May 8, 2009

This one is dedicated to my mother- because I didn’t get you a Mother’s Day gift this year.  Sorry for the, er, belatsion (and yes, I just created that word.)  

This is a little special glimpse into my family life, which may be a rare opportunity, so cease this moment, cuddle up with your loved one, and get to know a little bit about a woman I call mom.  
And so, to celebrate my mother, I have compiled a list of my all time favorite moments… some may call them precious moments, in which she was livid, and I mean really angry.  Fond memories ma:  
1.) When I didn’t clean my room- Only once did the threats of throwing all of my shit away if I didn’t clean up my room ever come into fruition.  I refused to pick-up my room for two or so weeks in the fourth grade and one night my mother went into my room with a big black garbage bag.  The bag from the kitchen.  The bag with garbage water and banana peels and leftover sloppy joes in it.  I only rescued a few things on the top.  Even back then I wouldn’t go dumpster diving, not even for my own things.  If you ask my current roommates, I am sure they would say that I still haven’t learned my lesson.
2.) When my I learned to drive- When I was first learning to drive, my mother instructed me to pull into the gas station so she could buy cigarettes.  I overshot my right turn, drove the van up and onto the sidewalk, into a bunch of bushes and ruined her oil pan.  No pedestrians were harmed in the process.
3.) When the cat came back- Kali Nanna, our calico cat, had a batch of kittens: Milo, Honey, Jean, and Oreo Elvis Presley.  One day, with out informing my younger brother and me, she took the kittens down to the Co-Op gas station near our house, as it was there that they had a cage for “free” kittens (usually given away to farmers and ranchers to become field cats).  Michael and I came home from school, discovered this, and raced, our little hearts pounding, down to rescue these kittens.  We only managed to rescue Honey and Jean, Milo and O.E.P. had already been adopted.  I don’t know which she was more angry at, my brother and me for bringing back two kittens she really didn’t want, or the gas station for letting two kids freely take animals with out question.  Oddly enough she let us keep Honey and Jean after their rescue.  We never questioned this decision.  
4.) When my younger brother learned to drive
My brother learned to drive at a much younger age than I…. when he was 5.  My mom picked me up from a friends house and left my brother in the car.  Somehow, he managed to put the car in drive, drive through my friend’s garage door, then throw the car into reverse and take out their fence.
5.) The Christmas pie incident
My younger brother was in pre-school, I was in kindergarten.  It was Christmas day and there was one piece of pie left over from dinner.  It was cherry pie.  My younger brother had saved it… not only saved it, but licked it and made sure he marked his territory.  Later that night he decided to consummate his pie lust- whipped cream and all- might I remind you, this was the last piece of dessert in our entire house, aside from the usual stocking candy.  For some reason my dad was in a bit of a mood and decided to get rid of our Christmas tree post haste- incidentally dragging the tree over the cherry pie right as my brother was abut to chomp on the first bite.  No bites were had, but plenty of tears were and my mother was furious at my dad for “ruining” Christmas for everyone.   
And finally, my all time favorite moment when my mother was pissed off, I call this one
6.) The video: 
For sake of protection for the parties involved (i.e. my younger brother- gosh he is in a lot of these stories- and his friend Nathan), I am going to simplify this story.. you’ll get the idea.
-This is from the perspective of my friend Kristin and I while watching the incident at a safe distance at the park across the field from our house:
1. Mom Comes Home- Kristin and I see van slowly pulling up the long drive way to our house, we have no time to reach the parties (my 10 year old brother and his friend) inside the house before she gets there first.
2. Mom enters house
3. Moments later, mom leaves the house carrying video
4. Mom steps on video…. over, and over, and over again
5. Mom throws said video in our dumpster
6. Nathan begs my mom not to tell his mom
7. Van drives rapidly away from house- where to?  I do not know.