Archive for the ‘Celebrityz’ Category

Cast Systemz

October 8, 2009

Since the last post was wordy, this one will be mostly just pictures, as they speak for themselves.

In life, there are two choices: Do you want a sitcom that features good looking actors who can’t act, or a sitcom that features “normal” looking people who can? It’s a tough decision. On the one hand, if I want funny and normal, I probably don’t need to watch TV. But is it worth it waste thirty minutes to an hour (minus commercial time) to watch good looking people on mute? It’s a paradox I rarely face anymore due to my lack of accessibility to cable, but it is still something to be pondered over dinner and in philosophy classes.

The list bellow falls, in my experience, in the category of ugly and funny… for the most part. There are a few casts that I think aren’t funny or good looking, but they still made it on the list because this particular list is not about funny- just ugly. The following is that of the least attractive TV casts I could think of:

-Roseanne– The entire cast.

-Seinfeld– The entire cast, minus the people that they used to date. For some reason, they always dated fairly good looking people, which made no sense to me.

-The Office- The entire cast minus Jim and Pam, obviously. If this was in the 80’s or the British version, everyone would be unattractive.

-Murphy Brown– The entire cast.

-All in the Family– The entire cast INCLUDING the blond chick.

-Cheers*– Everyone but Kirstie Alley and Shelly Long.

-New Radio– The entire cast, especially Andy Dick

-Family Matters– The entire cast minus Richie and Laura but including the time that Urkle became “hot” Urkle Stephen.

-Just Shoot Me– The entire cast minus the ladyz in specific episodes only.

-Full House-The entire cast minus Uncle Jesse (he carried the show) but including extras like Kimmi.

-Blossom– The entire cast minus Joey Lawrence.

-Friends– The entire cast. I don’t care what you say, this is one of those examples when they try to find “attractive” yet “real(ish)” looking people and then you just kind of look at them for too long and realize, sure, they may be slender and have hair, but they are not an attractive group.

That about does it. Common thread? The 80’s/90’s transition period. As you can see, there are only a few shows on this list that are current or prior to that time frame. Yikes.

*Note: This also includes the Fraiser spin-off.

Things That Are Dead To Me

October 1, 2009

Dear the following listed items,

I’ve given you a chance… many of you multiple chances. Chancity, chance, chance, chance and there’s a good possibility that you will never get another, so take a good hard look at what you have done, come up with a plan of reconciliation, and get on your knees and tell me you love me or you and I are (in a hushed voice) over. I’ll send you to a list where no amount of clapping can bring you back.

Truly yours,

Ms. Whitworth MD… PhD… emmm, MBA BS, the third.

#1: Myspace

Good luck getting off this list. I feel dirty even thinking about myspace.com. It’s not even because it feels overly commercial, corporate, or professional for that matter. I’d get rid of it entirely if it wasn’t still a good tool to use when “researching” people. “A Place for Friends”… more like a place for shitty rappers and shirtless bro’s to try and lure me into looking at them. Eh, no thanks.

#2: Boom Noodle

Was alive to me, until I was sitting across from a friend at dinner. I ordered a bowl of white rice, he ordered SOMETHING THAT WAS MOVING (which I later found out are bonito flakes, and come from fishes) when it got to the table. It upset me so much tears began to well in me lil’ eyes. True story. So please, for the love of God, don’t let any food that I am near during meal time move. It’s too much of a shock for my heart to take.

#3: Most of the state of South Dakota

And I say “most” because I don’t know that I have experience all of the people or land mass to make a definite “all” yet. But I do feel comfortable sticking with “most” as my negative experiences have been too strong in this state to even go into detail. I don’t think I have a single friend from the big SD. And should you be from there, can you at least do me the favor of pretending you are from North Dakota- which is a fine state or even Wyoming or Nebraska. Big D- as far as you and I am concerned- there is no “us” ’cause ‘merica only has 49 states.

#4: Beecher’s Handmade Cheese

YOU know what you did! Even trumping the deli, you were the worst… mostly due to the management (that is no longer there, may I add). Much like South Dakota, I have nothing left to say to you.

#5: Birthdays

I have forgot a considerable number of birthdays this year, including my dear mother’s, been stood up by an entire birthday party, and as far as my own birthday this past year… no, wait, my birthday party was pretty fun, I must have been confusing it with something else. Be that as it may, I’m now at the age where birthday gifts aren’t really given anymore and having a birthday is a big production anyway, so what is the point? Dead to me.

#6: Everyone on my “Do Not Answer” list in my phone

This is as close as I am going to get to even touching the category of individuals that have upset me enough to make this list. And yes, I do actually have a certain someones in my phone under “do not answer” as their name. Are you one of them? I don’t know, try calling sometime and find out. It could be an adventure.

#7: The dogs upstairs

And if they don’t quit their barking in about five seconds, they will be. At least we are down to only two of them again, instead of three. It is one thing to live in a basement under the scratching of doggie nails on the floor that doesn’t stop during the larger portion of the day- but it is another to live under mean, smelly, old, unattractive dogs that bark at you even though you have been living there for a year. I hope they have their rabies shots because I have seen a lot of mean looking raccoons lately and mysteriously the gate might just be left open if those dogs don’t start treating me a little better.
#8: The Cast of Full House, et al

You maybe asking the question “What has the cast of Full House ever done to you”? What have they done, period? Other than their lack of entertainment skills and ability to be, in any situation, unfunny or take up too much space on the cover of a gossip tabloid where P. Sway should be honored or his life and dance moves more completely? That’s what I thought. Oh, by the way, America is still waiting for the funniest home video. Bob, youtube does your job so much better than you ever could and did.

#9: World Political News

Over it. OVER IT. Does nothing new ever happen in world politics? I mean, seriously, I think half of it is just stock footage/photos at this point in time. Gimme some dogs being rescued or kittens doing funny tricks. I never see foreign animals on in the news, which is a shame. If this could be promptly remedied, perhaps I would consider moving this off of this particular list.

#10: The Recession

I can only play so many Depression Era games before even I get bored. I just want a decent job, the excuses to stop, a better place to live and a manicure already. Recess… is over.

And that’s about it. I’m officially tabooing these items.

Don’t Call This a Comeback

June 14, 2009

If you are a banker, more than likely you are going to be a banker for life. If you are an actor, you can just up and quit whenever, leaving your fans with only vague memories of what it used to be when you did more than promote Earth Day events or wear Live Strong™ bracelets. Here are some actors that I just think need to get back in the game before the up-and-coming young actors take over forever and innocent audience members are stuck watching Mary Kate & Ashley TV or worse. So, to the following actors, get your shit together! I am going crazy with nostalgia about how things used to be better here. Thanks!

1.) Rick Moranis

Notable works: Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Honey I Blew Up the Baby, Honey We Shrunk Ourselves, Space Balls, Canadian Bacon.
What roll he should play next: I read recently that Rick Moranis left working as an actor so he could focus on being a stay-at-home single-parent (slash) work on country music albums. That’s sweet Ricky, but get your ass back to work! The world needs you- and by that, I mean I need you. I would suggest you create another HISTK movie, but the last one, Honey We Shrunk Ourselves, kind of blew… a lot. So here is my advice to you: could you please just play the father figure of one of the following curly haired male celebrities in an independent comedy with slight romantic undertones: Either Shia Labeouf, Johna Hill or, and preferably, Michael Cera. Thanks.
2.) Shelly Duvall


Notable works: The Shining, Story Book Theater, Mother Goose Rock ‘n’ Rhyme.
What roll she should play next: In context, Ms. Duvall could do what Charlize Theron did in Monster with less of a cost in the make-up department. She is so naturally emaciatedin looks perhaps she should venture to take part in a film about a heroine addict or mother struggling with an eating disorder which would play as a Life Time TV movie. I would most definitely watch it. Let’s face it, I would probably watch any Life Time TV movie. (Too Young to be a Dad, A Secret Between Friends, anyone… anyone..?)
3.) Tim Curry

Notable works: Rocky Horror Picture Show, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.
What roll he should play next: Given Tim Curry’s natural creepiness, which wanes just under that of Steve Buscemi and Christopher Walken (which if you doubt that they are creepy, I am creating a post about that topic as well)… Me thinks it only natural to have Tim Curry work regularly as one of the “Others” or “Other Others” (or what ever the hell sort of kick they are on right now) on the TV show Lost. In fact, I wouldn’t mind if you killed off the following characters so you could afford to replace them on the series with Mr. Curry: John Locke, Jack, Kate, Ben, Desmond, Sawyer, Hurley, Sun, Jin, Sayid, All of the Others, Jack’s Dad, Charles Whitmore, Penny Whitmore- screw it! Replace them all and have Tim Curry do a one man show. I bet ratings (and my personal viewership) would increase by inconceivable amounts.
4.) Jane Seymour

Notible Works: Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Gerber Baby Commercials.
What roll she should play next: I think she should have gotten the roll that Dakota Fanning got in New Moon- the second chapter in the Twilight series. Granted, I have never read the books and did not like the first movie, I still think she would have been a better choice. Why? Because I dislike Dakota so much. Plus, by doing this, you will increase the Twilight audience by including in the target market people like, oh, say, my mother. I mean, the new Star Trek did it by extending its aim to a younger audience via making the characters hot and limiting the amount of Leonard Nimoy the audience was exposed to. There is a lot of cross pollination of moviegoers right now- I think Twilight is going to miss the boat if they don’t act quickly. Tweens don’t stay tweens forever you know!
5.) Dana Carvey

Notable Works: Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World 2, SNL, Master of Disguise (yeah right, as if anyone actually watched that one).
What roll he should play next: He should play The Riddler if ever the new Batman series decides to portray that character. And no offense to the late some-what great (if only in retrospect) Heath Ledger, but Dana seems like taking on a roll of this sort of nature would not push him over the edge.

(and one day Whitney Whitworth)… just a suggestion from myself to my future self.

Attraction Oddities

May 19, 2009

Instead of listing for you everyone I have ever had a crush on (as the list would go on and on and on and on…. and on…), I have prepared, instead, a list of Celebrities that I am attracted to that I really shouldn’t be.  Embarrassing?  But of course.  Pass as much judgement as you must, but everyone has their oddities.  Again, these are not those I have the biggest crushes on, just those I am most embarrassed about.

David Cross- Balding?  Yes.  Short?  Certainly.  Much older than I am?  Boy, is he ever. Sometimes we choose not who we love.
Rod Sterling- Considering he died 11 years before I was even born… I probably shouldn’t be attracted to him, but I am.  What a dream boat, and such a gentleman too!

Likewise, I also have it bad for Jimmy Stewart- Heartthrob without an actual throbbing heart.  Two in a row.  Chaching.
Alan Rickman– Oh Alan Rickman, mine heart beat still.  Is it the dull drumming of your voice that calls my soul?  Alas, I must comply and let the monotony of your voice lull me to sleep.  
 
Franklin Pierce- I think I have already covered this once before.  If he was more than a mere oil painting, I’m sure more people would recognize this.  Now he’s the type of dead president I could use on my money.  
Steve Martin- When I was younger, I used to picture Santa Clause a lot like Steve Martin, only if Steve Martin were pregnant.  I don’t know the significance between the two or how they are correlated, but there must be some connection.
Steve Wiebe– For those who do not know, Steve Wiebe is the subject of a documentary called King of Kong: Fist Full of Quarters.  And that is precisely what makes Steve unique to this list.  But how could one not, after watching his heroic endeavors against the slimy Billy Mitchell?
Iron Chef Marimoto– No one knows…. no one knows.  
Oh, and I forgot Alton Brown, man about town.

O Hell-z No

May 13, 2009

As I commiserate on aspects of my current life- jobless, penniless, and unable to fall asleep/wake up at a decent hour- I find myself befuddled on where exactly I am on the charts; Dante’s charts of hell, that is to say.  

Upon further inspection of said chart, I see not where my criteria of punishment lies, therefore, I can not pin-point where I have been led astray, making it near impossible for me to repent and “better” my living situation.  
Thus, I have been, inevitably, led to update the outdated and pick up where ol’ Dante left off.  I have linked a recap of Dante’s nine levels of hell here so you can freshen up on the old before proceeding to the new.

Circles 1-6 The Unfriendly:
1.) Limbo– Also known as Dillon Montana, also known as Dillrod.  
Who qualifies: High schoolers and the unbaptized.
2.) Eternally having very chapped lips during a violent wind storm while eating habanero chilies with no ChapStick® to be found.  Ever.
Who qualifies: Haters
3.) Forced to wrap oddly shaped Christmas gifts in wrapping paper, with only one hand, and the only tape one gets to use is clear packing tape.  For eternity. 
Who qualifiesRe-gifters   
4.) Living in a room that smells very strongly of burnt popcorn.
Who qualifies: Englishmen 
5.) Stuck in a room full of Dakota Fannings.
Who qualifies:  Friends who do their friends dirty- as in, wrong doers, back stabbers, and gossips.
6.) Running in circles over un-even terrain wearing two left shoes…. and a Juicy™ sweat suit.
Who qualifies:  Tanorexics 

Level 7 The Obnoxious:
7.) Outer Ring: Having sunburns on the top of one’s feet while being forced to wear too tight of shoes.
Who qualifies:  Budgers and Line Cutters.
Inner Ring: Forced to eat Saltine Crackers™ with only peanut butter to wash it down with in the blaze of ten hot suns.
Who qualifies: Parents who let their children run amok in grocery stores, movie theaters and nice eateries.
Level 8 The Pushers:
8.) -Outer Ring:  Have to sleep, with out actually falling asleep, on a futon for the rest of eternity.
Who qualifies: Car salesmen
Inner Ring: Eternally having to live (?) with fingernails and toe nails that have been clipped too short, so that they sting, all the while eternally washing breakfast dishes by hand.
Who qualifies: Dirty Politicians
And of course, the 9th and final level of Hell is a special place, reservation: 3.  This level is for:
9.) The Annoying: This is that special level in the inferno where three lucky mortals get to spend eternal damnation with the worst possible torture imaginable.  
1. Dave Coulier– Spends eternity listening to his own jokes on repeat 
2. Carrot Top– Also spends eternity listening to Dave Coulier’s jokes on repeat
3. Hillary Duff– Teeth drilled upon with no novacaine.  Forever and ever.