Archive for the ‘Barfing.’ Category

Regretables ’09

October 8, 2009

The year is waning, which means it is time to confront my regrets of ’09 and hope to jeezus that I don’t have anymore before the end of the oo’s and the beginning of the 20teens.

Here they are, or as many as I can remember- and for those of you who say you have no regrets, you lie:

-Working for Garden City Group.
-Working for Safeway.
-Working for Beecher’s Handmade Cheese.
-Taking that job with the Switch program that never actually was a real job, and thus, losing my job at Beecher’s.
-Making out with various cheese maker’s who also worked at Beecher’s.

-Making out with various cheese maker’s who also worked at Beecher’s.
-Developing unrealistic expectations for males in their 20’s.
-Letting Joe watch movies with Mallory and I late at night in my room when he smelled like smoke, subsequently making my whole room smell like smoke.
-Making the Molly Ringwald disgusted face from Sixteen Candles whenever a cute boy would approach me.
-Not asking enough questions when the timing was appropriate.

-Not getting one.

-Cutting off that police officer and then getting pulled over. However, I do NOT regret not getting a ticket.
-General plotting/scheming.
-Acquiring additional parking tickets.
-Knocking over the tip jar at Cupcake Royal after Moe Bar happy hour.
Not sending that “card” to my arch nemesis. (Which I still may have regretted if I would have followed through with it).

-Not picking up that $100 bill off of the ground before Mallory’s friend snatched it up.
-Spending cash on frivolities like lattes instead of drip coffee.
-Over drawing my bank account multiple times. Some on purpose.
-Letting my student loans lapse.
-Paying to watch a movie at Pacific place when I should have just used my free ticket.
-Not tipping as much/often as I should.

-Spilling coffee on my computer.
-Using technology to inappropriately, well, let’s call a rose a rose, “stalk” people via facebook, twitter, myspace, and what have you. You do it too!
-Watching too many movies in bed.
-Sporcle-ing… a lot.
-Texting people when/who I shouldn’t have been texting.
-Giving in to twitter.
-Using Craig’s List to try and find roommates, jobs, furniture, well, anything actually.

-Plaid overkill.
-Wearing through too many pairs of leggings.
-Wearing through my red belt.
-Breaking my black heals.
-Buying that white dress that I never wore.
-That shiny dress that matched Mallory’s that we wore to karaoke one time.
-Wearing through my cream colored cardigan.
-Sometimes not changing my clothes for a day or so.

Et cetera:
-Spending the holidays alone due to poor weather.
-Not visiting my mom more when she lived closer.
-Losing at Settler’s of Catan on numerous occasions.
-Eating expired food.



October 2, 2009
October is upon us, which means if you haven’t already thought of, made and tailored your costume for this year, you are probably behind. Instead of giving you all of my good ideas, I have decided to go a step further and give you ideas of what you should not be and reasons why. Below is that list:

Slutty _______ (insert any noun or children’s book character)

Let’s get one thing straight: SLUT is not a costume, it is a way of life. If I wanted to see breasts, I’d run a google search. Also, it’s effing October and most of us don’t live in a sub-tropic climate where heels and booty shorts are weather appropriate. Even that aside, my biggest concern when it comes to slutty nursery rhyme or Disney movie characters, and maybe I am out of line on this, is this: why are you mixing sexual fantasies with childhood memories in the first place? I’m not going to assume anything by this, but from a non-pedophilia perspective, I’m just going to say that I don’t quite “get it”. But I guess, props, on putting out… er, putting yourself out there like that.


Particularly from the latest blockbuster movie. Harsh as this may be, not everyone should wear nylon, loose fitting, but still oddly snug in the wrong places, costumes. I guess that is why it is imperative that a mask be worn at all times. It is okay for 4 year olds but not 34 year olds. Ever. Also, on a personal note, I hate how those costumes always have footie things to cover your shoes or at least the top part of your shoes. It is irksome for me.

Bunny or Kitten ears

Ears are not a costume- they are an accessory, unless you are at work and can not go all the way. But even then, there has to be other ears out there that are not of the bunny or kitty varietay.


I guess with all of the slutty costumes running around there needs to be some order maintained… still, I try to think of hanging out with someone who would dress up like a pimp for Halloween and think it would probably be the same type of person I would vomit on normally if they tried to pick me up at a bar or something. And I’m not even going to touch the sexist, socio-economic or racial implications on this one, because then this blog would no longer be funny.

Santa Clause

It’s a funny idea for about a minute, but then it just gets to be an interruption. It’s like having a birthday party and your grandmother still brings your siblings a gift, even though it is not their birthday party (provided you aren’t twins). Christmas gets enough play anyhow and already oversteps its boundaries into the Thanksgiving holiday before the turkey carcass is even cold, why should it be allowed to push itself into one more month where it doesn’t belong?

Couples Costumes

Unless it is really, really creative, and they usually are not, I’m against them. A lock and key, prisoner and guard, ketchup and mustard, Huey Lewis and the News (okay maybe not so much), all just kind of disgust me. Listen, I get it- you’re a couple. I got it when you started publicly making out and then inappropriately groping each other, not to mention from the evil looks your girlfriend is giving me- though I have no intention of even talking to you. Aside from that, the sad truth is that couples costumes are usually the result of one person being excited about Halloween and the other person not giving a shit.

Any and and all Wizard of Oz characters

Similar to couples costumes- only instead of being in a relationship, it is usually a group of single friends and usually the Dorthy’s idea- not because she wants to dress up in group costumes, but because she wants to dress up like Dorothy and feels that her friends can serve as an accessory to her childhood dream. I just see a lot of Dorothy costumes every year and subsequently a lot of red glitter shoes on sale at the Good Will around the time of January or February.

Jesus or Moses

How will I know when the second coming of Christ or Moses occurs if there are a billion impostors running around on the 31st? Huh? If you are a male and have a beard, for what ever reason, either Jesus or a hippie seems to be the only default Halloween costume in your repertoire. Perhaps the beard and hair you grew over the last few months has cut you off from the creative ability you may have once possessed. I’m sort of sick of it. Plus, religion and Halloween really don’t go well together and there really isn’t enough irony to make this costume funny or original.


Just because I am still slightly afraid of them.

Things That Are Dead To Me

October 1, 2009

Dear the following listed items,

I’ve given you a chance… many of you multiple chances. Chancity, chance, chance, chance and there’s a good possibility that you will never get another, so take a good hard look at what you have done, come up with a plan of reconciliation, and get on your knees and tell me you love me or you and I are (in a hushed voice) over. I’ll send you to a list where no amount of clapping can bring you back.

Truly yours,

Ms. Whitworth MD… PhD… emmm, MBA BS, the third.

#1: Myspace

Good luck getting off this list. I feel dirty even thinking about It’s not even because it feels overly commercial, corporate, or professional for that matter. I’d get rid of it entirely if it wasn’t still a good tool to use when “researching” people. “A Place for Friends”… more like a place for shitty rappers and shirtless bro’s to try and lure me into looking at them. Eh, no thanks.

#2: Boom Noodle

Was alive to me, until I was sitting across from a friend at dinner. I ordered a bowl of white rice, he ordered SOMETHING THAT WAS MOVING (which I later found out are bonito flakes, and come from fishes) when it got to the table. It upset me so much tears began to well in me lil’ eyes. True story. So please, for the love of God, don’t let any food that I am near during meal time move. It’s too much of a shock for my heart to take.

#3: Most of the state of South Dakota

And I say “most” because I don’t know that I have experience all of the people or land mass to make a definite “all” yet. But I do feel comfortable sticking with “most” as my negative experiences have been too strong in this state to even go into detail. I don’t think I have a single friend from the big SD. And should you be from there, can you at least do me the favor of pretending you are from North Dakota- which is a fine state or even Wyoming or Nebraska. Big D- as far as you and I am concerned- there is no “us” ’cause ‘merica only has 49 states.

#4: Beecher’s Handmade Cheese

YOU know what you did! Even trumping the deli, you were the worst… mostly due to the management (that is no longer there, may I add). Much like South Dakota, I have nothing left to say to you.

#5: Birthdays

I have forgot a considerable number of birthdays this year, including my dear mother’s, been stood up by an entire birthday party, and as far as my own birthday this past year… no, wait, my birthday party was pretty fun, I must have been confusing it with something else. Be that as it may, I’m now at the age where birthday gifts aren’t really given anymore and having a birthday is a big production anyway, so what is the point? Dead to me.

#6: Everyone on my “Do Not Answer” list in my phone

This is as close as I am going to get to even touching the category of individuals that have upset me enough to make this list. And yes, I do actually have a certain someones in my phone under “do not answer” as their name. Are you one of them? I don’t know, try calling sometime and find out. It could be an adventure.

#7: The dogs upstairs

And if they don’t quit their barking in about five seconds, they will be. At least we are down to only two of them again, instead of three. It is one thing to live in a basement under the scratching of doggie nails on the floor that doesn’t stop during the larger portion of the day- but it is another to live under mean, smelly, old, unattractive dogs that bark at you even though you have been living there for a year. I hope they have their rabies shots because I have seen a lot of mean looking raccoons lately and mysteriously the gate might just be left open if those dogs don’t start treating me a little better.
#8: The Cast of Full House, et al

You maybe asking the question “What has the cast of Full House ever done to you”? What have they done, period? Other than their lack of entertainment skills and ability to be, in any situation, unfunny or take up too much space on the cover of a gossip tabloid where P. Sway should be honored or his life and dance moves more completely? That’s what I thought. Oh, by the way, America is still waiting for the funniest home video. Bob, youtube does your job so much better than you ever could and did.

#9: World Political News

Over it. OVER IT. Does nothing new ever happen in world politics? I mean, seriously, I think half of it is just stock footage/photos at this point in time. Gimme some dogs being rescued or kittens doing funny tricks. I never see foreign animals on in the news, which is a shame. If this could be promptly remedied, perhaps I would consider moving this off of this particular list.

#10: The Recession

I can only play so many Depression Era games before even I get bored. I just want a decent job, the excuses to stop, a better place to live and a manicure already. Recess… is over.

And that’s about it. I’m officially tabooing these items.

Wear Me Out

June 11, 2009

One of my friends once (recently) told me that my fashion sense was somewhat like that of Blossom’s… you remember, the chick with the big hats and crushed velvet outfits.  I guess I haven’t made as much progress in my ensembles as I had thought.  

Yes, I can admit that I have made some poor decisions when it came to choosing my own clothes during my early years.  Let me recap some of those mistakes for you, in order that makes the most chronological sense:

-Velcro® Troll™ Shoes- OK, it is not my fault that I was once a child.  Let’s just clear that part up. And along with being a child, comes the addition of velcro® on all sorts of articles of clothing; for baby hands, it just makes life easier.  So the velcro is not the upsetting part and must be put aside to focus on the real problem.  The troll part, which is what was these shoes a mistake.  I can recall them vividly: they were white and pink with an actual removable troll head that attached to the tongue of the shoe as well as an image of a troll on the side of the shoe.  What one does with a removable troll head is beyond my comprehension.
-Purple Suede Shoes- Another bad shoe choice, but I loved these ones.  They were crushed deep purple suede with a bit of a chunky heal (and by that I mean, as much of a heal as is allowed for a 9 year old) and actual black ribbon for the laces.  The image that follows is actually what the shoes looked like.  
-JC Penny t-shirts- Well, really, it was one shirt in particular that I recall.  It was a white t-shirt with a lady bug with a white shell that was spotted like a soccer ball and bellow that read the words “don’t bug me, I’m playing soccer” in purple and black letters.  Gross you say?  Yes, and let me also explain that I wasn’t even playing or interested in playing or even watching soccer at the time.  And what is worse?  I picked it out myself.
-Tinted sunglasses- I had several pair: green, red, purple and perhaps even yellow- all which were very round and very small… think, oh, Diane Keaton or Elton John, only cheaper versions, as I believe them to have been purchased at our local dollar store.  
-Baggy Jeans-  In middle school I started wearing, not just flared jeans, but baggy flared jeans.  Oh wait, it gets better.  I had two pairs of these jeans and both pairs had embroidered cartoon girls on the back pockets.  Oh baby, yes.  I might also add that one pair was that of a very light wash, the other a medium blue.  
-Pants Only- For the majority of my high school career I refused to wear skirts, dresses, or jeans (probably due to the baggy jean fiasco of my middle school naivety).  What does this mean?  I wore a lot of pants.  Oh yes, I forgot to mention, they were mostly dress pants.  Whoot whoot.  Let me also state for the record that not all of the dress pants I owned and wore were black.  Some were grey, some were khakis, and some were forest green.  I also think I owned a pair of brown chords.  It wasn’t until senior year when I actually bought a real pair of jeans- primarily because I was then interested in exploring the converse and jeans look.  It was a good cross over. 
-Dusters- Most articles of clothing whose ownership ended up being a mistake I have come to realize, were primarily purchased in pairs.  My “dusters” where no different.  I possessed and regularly wore two- one grey and one black.  Modern society questions why would a person even need one.  I mean, granted yes, I lived in Montana and that look was stylish back in the late 1800’s, though made of different material and cut, but there is and was no excuse for this behavior in the modern world, uncivilized territory or not.  And yes, for the record, I wore them OVER my dress pants.  
-Cat collars- I used to wear, as bracelets, my cats’ collars.  I just wanted to be closer to them during sophomore health class…  Sometimes I would even wear several at a time, many of which were jewel studded.
-Puffy jackets- I have two in my closet right now: one is shiny purple (pictured bellow) and one is shiny green.  Both have furry hoods.  I still wear them on occasion, though I know it is a mistake, but cold times call for warm jackets- both serve their part well.

-I am sure my next big regret will be my overuse of bandanas (pictured above), but fugg it, I don’t care!

B is for Barfing

June 11, 2009

I’m throwing up right now just composing this list.  

1.) Dogs Pooping

2.) Inspirational posters, particularly those that have animals on them

3.) Warm milk- I hate milk as it is, but I am talking about milk that sits out, not is intentionally heated up.

4.) Emoticons 

5.) Unflushed toilets- particularly in public places

6.) Wet cat food

7.) Mop water

8.) Jing’s cooking, particularly when it is with anise or any meat that has been left out over night

9.) Back sweat

Hispters: For Starters…

June 9, 2009

So, tonight was a ravishing night hanging out with some Hipster boys and their more pleasant lady counterparts at Cha Cha- “A Place Where Bros and Hipsters Can Come Together Forever” ®™, but, through the midst of all of my fun, I had to wonder, what is it about Hipsters that bothers me so much?  I mean, I hang out with my fair share of them, on occasion I dress like them, I frequent the same bars and coffee shops… but, and I am going to break one of the following rules, I do not consider myself a Hipster and in fact, am relatively annoyed by them.  So tonight, while I was sitting there wanting to take a meat cleaver to my little wrists (and in clarity, it was because of one boy, and one boy alone out of a group of 6 of us), I came up with this list about Hipsters and what makes me so frustrated around them:

1.)  Bicycles:  It is one thing to ride a bike for exercise or to cut back on your carbon emissions by way of transportation or even for recreation purposes, but Hipsters take it one step further.  Hipsters ride their bikes in some sort of secret “cool kid” competition.  Particularly when it comes to the ever so impractical fixed-gears, or “fixies”, which serve little use in a town full of hills unless you are trying to be cool, in which case, it does its job fine to convey this message to other Hipsters.  
One last thing that bothers me about Hipsters and their sweet rides: the fact that they don’t wear helmets.  Ever.  God forbid you mess up your $10 great clips cut that you pull of as being from some salon of which no one has ever heard.  If you do wear a helmet, you are clearly not a real Hipster.  What could be more fun than speeding down the bus lane on a 15% grade with drivers who don’t give a shit while not wearing a helmet?  Oh yes, LIVING.  
2.) Being Self Absorbed:  I love this one.  I love it because there is no easy way to put it.  Some people have causes that they support: stem cell research, higher pay for doctors, making religion illegal, you get the idea. The Hipsters cause is being a Hipster and supporting the Hipster way of life.  This means, making sure they are up-to-date on everything that is fashionable before it is fashionable- but not too much ahead of the curve, because then you are just being silly.  And I am not just talking about clothing here,  it can be anything.   But, one has to be able to back it up with the statement “oh no, I was doing this a long time ago”.  Example: “I’ve been listening to vinyl since middle school”.  Bullshit you were, you were listening to cassette tapes of Mariah Carey back then.  I’m not afraid to ask your mother and prove it.  It all just goes back to self assurance.  Self assurance that yes, you are, in fact, a Hipster and you fit into a crowd, though you are indeed a forward thinking/acting individual, with individual style and individual plaid prints.  Though this is never to be spoken aloud, see bullet point number 6.
3.) Houses with names:  Some people name their cars, some people name their kids, Hipsters name their houses.  Why?  Just to be clever.  There really is no other purpose that I have found from this.  And if there was any doubt as to whether there was some sort of relation along the Bro/Frat Boy blood line and that that runs through the veins of Hipsters, look no further than this fact: They both name their houses.
4.) “Thrift Store” shoppers:  Take it from someone who actually has to shop at thrift stores due to an un-sizable income- other than maybe a pair of jeans that can be turned into cut-offs, Hipsters, true Hipsters, rarely buy from actual thrift stores.  On occasion they will, but mostly it is avoided.  Sure, their clothes may not always be brand new, but the trendy boutiques that they (and I am guilty of as well from time to time when allowance, well, allows me to) shop at, are not thrift stores.  Vintage is not thrift.  And if it is not vintage, which a lot of it isn’t, it is expensive.  Very, very expensive.  I’m talking higher than $30 for a shirt or some shitty canvas shoes.  But of course, when talking to polite company, always mention that you got your shoes from Value Village on sale for $3.  Oh yeah, and then give a wink, as to really say “I got this from Zebra Club”.
5.) Hang-out spots:  I hate when people “claim” spots.  Hipsters are like the Christopher Columbus’s of the modern world.  I am sorry, you did not “discover” Stumptown… it was made for you.  Same goes for bars, cheep eateries (as Hipsters love cheep stuff… I think probably so that they can spend more money on their bikes), and anything that is considered “divey” but caters to only a crowd of 20- early 30 somethings.  Let me tell you this, oh Hipster high and mighty, it isn’t a dive if I can’t see at least two people with out any teeth and one woman who has had 8 or so children and a crack problem,  otherwise its just a themed bar/restaurant/bingo lounge.
6.) Denial:  This is by far my favorite of the Hipster annoyances.  I love (and by that I mean I barf) when every time, and this will happen with every single Hipster, the term “Hipster” is brought up, they all claim they are not of that variety.  Paradoxical dear Watson!  How is it that there are so many effing Hipsters in Seattle Proper, and yet, I can’t seem to find anyone who says that they are a Hipster.  It’s almost a myth, like Big Foot.  I especially like when the clear-cut obvious types tell me that they hate Hipsters.  Maybe they are just trying to say that they hate themselves, which brings upon self-loathing/pity, which brings about being self-absorbed, which brings us back to bullet point number two.  Case solved.

D-Baggin’ It

May 31, 2009

Addendum:  I have removed a few names… but left spaces… you know, just in case I need to replace those names again.

Dear (any name from the following list)  you are dead to me.  You know why.  Love Love Love Love Love.. Love Love, more than I could even love a baby kitten, love,


Craig II
If your name is on this list, yes, there is a possibility it isn’t you…. but it might be.  However, if your name is, oh, I don’t know, something odd like, let’s say, Jax, it is probably safe to say it is, in fact, you.  
For questions or possible typographical errors, please submit them to the following: whitney whitworth c/o  Subject line should read, as in reference to the title, “Douche Bag” followed by your name.  Please see the following examples:


And no, I did not have to make out with you for you to be on this list… but it probably helped.