Light My Fire

I’m sick of candles smelling like fruits and flowers. What’s more, I’m sick of “holiday” candles that smell like “Holidazzle Cookies” or “Santa’s Big Ride”… let the record show that those aren’t really scents. They aren’t even clever names. So, my new plan, when I make a bajillion dollars, is to have my own candle making factory (that would also double as a speak easy, both of which the logistics still need some obvious work). Most of the scents that I have come up with thus far are what I would consider “unconventional earthy” scents. Perhaps you are wondering what type of market is out there for such candles? Other than myself? Probability shows it would most likely be those silly “trendy” hipsters, Oprah, and maybe rest homes. So here is a list of non-traditional, but enjoyable, scents we would produce:

1.) Matches

Let’s face it, the first 4 seconds of trying to light the candle via match and its 4 second successor- the smell of the match after it has been blown out- is the best part. So why not have a candle that smells like that in its entirety?

2.) Wood Chips

I used to keep various rodents as pets. Gross, whatever, I know, but save your judgement for someone who will use it. Granted the pets themselves smelled bad, no, terrible, but the fresh wood chips (I believe them to be cedar, but who knows) always made me really happy. I know there are candles that smell like pine/forest/winter wonderland, but I am talking cedar. CEDAR. Make it for me. Now.

3.) Spray Paint

This is going to be misconstrued, so before you make your assumptions, let me clear the freshly scented air by releasing this statement: I am not now, nor have I ever participated in, huffing spray paint. DARE. Even so, this does not stop my love affair with the smell of spray paint. In the world of paint, it simply smells the best. Therefore, there should be a candle scented as such.

4.) Toast*

This is as close as I think a candle should get to smelling like a baked good. Let me level with you- toast smells like food, but it is not overpowering; it is light and isn’t going to make you want to vomit at 6 am if lit due to a power outage or natural disaster.

5.) Newsprint

New books, magazines, and even newspapers smell divine. I think this particular scent is like saying- “hey world, I am an intellectual”, and what shitster… er, hipster, wouldn’t want to say that? Especially if it meant they didn’t actually have to read anything at all! I also recognize that this scent would have be really light, as we all know of the “Tacoma Aroma” and how bad paper mills smell. We wouldn’t want that to happen, now would we? I thought not. Maybe it would be best to keep it smelling like glossy magazines.

6.) The inside of my dyer

I know there are already candles out there that smell like “cotton” and “fresh laundry”, but I have yet to capture one that actually smells as good as freshly dried clothes. I want to put my bed sheets in the dryer right now just to have that experience. Should this candle company ever lift off, I promise you that I will perfect this scent.

7.) Carmex™

It smells good. Probably best used during winter months, though. Also, to emphasize the point, I think I would want to sell this particular candle in a holder that looks like a Carmex™ container. It might boost profits on this one, as it may be a harder sell than the previously listed items.

8.) Rubber Cement

As with the spray paint, I do not have a substance sniffing addiction. But you are a fool if you don’t think rubber cement smells good. I could also make a substitution here for model glue, which is also fantastic.

I know this really isn’t enough to constitute an entire line of candles, but it is a work in progress. Plus, it is something to get the ball rolling. Someday, you may come over to my house and wonder, (out loud, of course), “Whitney, is your roommate an arson, because it sure smells a lot like matches in here?” To which I will inform you that, no, (s)he is not, I am just burning the candle that smells like burning matches. And then I will probably give you one as a birthday/anniversary/Arbor Day gift or something. And yes, you can thank me now, in advance.

*Note: Smell should be that of unburnt toast.

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One Response to “Light My Fire”

  1. platypusrex256 Says:

    i want one!

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