Costumez

October is upon us, which means if you haven’t already thought of, made and tailored your costume for this year, you are probably behind. Instead of giving you all of my good ideas, I have decided to go a step further and give you ideas of what you should not be and reasons why. Below is that list:

Slutty _______ (insert any noun or children’s book character)

Let’s get one thing straight: SLUT is not a costume, it is a way of life. If I wanted to see breasts, I’d run a google search. Also, it’s effing October and most of us don’t live in a sub-tropic climate where heels and booty shorts are weather appropriate. Even that aside, my biggest concern when it comes to slutty nursery rhyme or Disney movie characters, and maybe I am out of line on this, is this: why are you mixing sexual fantasies with childhood memories in the first place? I’m not going to assume anything by this, but from a non-pedophilia perspective, I’m just going to say that I don’t quite “get it”. But I guess, props, on putting out… er, putting yourself out there like that.

Superheros

Particularly from the latest blockbuster movie. Harsh as this may be, not everyone should wear nylon, loose fitting, but still oddly snug in the wrong places, costumes. I guess that is why it is imperative that a mask be worn at all times. It is okay for 4 year olds but not 34 year olds. Ever. Also, on a personal note, I hate how those costumes always have footie things to cover your shoes or at least the top part of your shoes. It is irksome for me.

Bunny or Kitten ears

Ears are not a costume- they are an accessory, unless you are at work and can not go all the way. But even then, there has to be other ears out there that are not of the bunny or kitty varietay.

Pimps

I guess with all of the slutty costumes running around there needs to be some order maintained… still, I try to think of hanging out with someone who would dress up like a pimp for Halloween and think it would probably be the same type of person I would vomit on normally if they tried to pick me up at a bar or something. And I’m not even going to touch the sexist, socio-economic or racial implications on this one, because then this blog would no longer be funny.

Santa Clause

It’s a funny idea for about a minute, but then it just gets to be an interruption. It’s like having a birthday party and your grandmother still brings your siblings a gift, even though it is not their birthday party (provided you aren’t twins). Christmas gets enough play anyhow and already oversteps its boundaries into the Thanksgiving holiday before the turkey carcass is even cold, why should it be allowed to push itself into one more month where it doesn’t belong?

Couples Costumes

Unless it is really, really creative, and they usually are not, I’m against them. A lock and key, prisoner and guard, ketchup and mustard, Huey Lewis and the News (okay maybe not so much), all just kind of disgust me. Listen, I get it- you’re a couple. I got it when you started publicly making out and then inappropriately groping each other, not to mention from the evil looks your girlfriend is giving me- though I have no intention of even talking to you. Aside from that, the sad truth is that couples costumes are usually the result of one person being excited about Halloween and the other person not giving a shit.

Any and and all Wizard of Oz characters

Similar to couples costumes- only instead of being in a relationship, it is usually a group of single friends and usually the Dorthy’s idea- not because she wants to dress up in group costumes, but because she wants to dress up like Dorothy and feels that her friends can serve as an accessory to her childhood dream. I just see a lot of Dorothy costumes every year and subsequently a lot of red glitter shoes on sale at the Good Will around the time of January or February.

Jesus or Moses

How will I know when the second coming of Christ or Moses occurs if there are a billion impostors running around on the 31st? Huh? If you are a male and have a beard, for what ever reason, either Jesus or a hippie seems to be the only default Halloween costume in your repertoire. Perhaps the beard and hair you grew over the last few months has cut you off from the creative ability you may have once possessed. I’m sort of sick of it. Plus, religion and Halloween really don’t go well together and there really isn’t enough irony to make this costume funny or original.

Clowns

Just because I am still slightly afraid of them.

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