Things That Are Dead To Me

Dear the following listed items,

I’ve given you a chance… many of you multiple chances. Chancity, chance, chance, chance and there’s a good possibility that you will never get another, so take a good hard look at what you have done, come up with a plan of reconciliation, and get on your knees and tell me you love me or you and I are (in a hushed voice) over. I’ll send you to a list where no amount of clapping can bring you back.

Truly yours,

Ms. Whitworth MD… PhD… emmm, MBA BS, the third.

#1: Myspace

Good luck getting off this list. I feel dirty even thinking about myspace.com. It’s not even because it feels overly commercial, corporate, or professional for that matter. I’d get rid of it entirely if it wasn’t still a good tool to use when “researching” people. “A Place for Friends”… more like a place for shitty rappers and shirtless bro’s to try and lure me into looking at them. Eh, no thanks.

#2: Boom Noodle

Was alive to me, until I was sitting across from a friend at dinner. I ordered a bowl of white rice, he ordered SOMETHING THAT WAS MOVING (which I later found out are bonito flakes, and come from fishes) when it got to the table. It upset me so much tears began to well in me lil’ eyes. True story. So please, for the love of God, don’t let any food that I am near during meal time move. It’s too much of a shock for my heart to take.

#3: Most of the state of South Dakota

And I say “most” because I don’t know that I have experience all of the people or land mass to make a definite “all” yet. But I do feel comfortable sticking with “most” as my negative experiences have been too strong in this state to even go into detail. I don’t think I have a single friend from the big SD. And should you be from there, can you at least do me the favor of pretending you are from North Dakota- which is a fine state or even Wyoming or Nebraska. Big D- as far as you and I am concerned- there is no “us” ’cause ‘merica only has 49 states.

#4: Beecher’s Handmade Cheese

YOU know what you did! Even trumping the deli, you were the worst… mostly due to the management (that is no longer there, may I add). Much like South Dakota, I have nothing left to say to you.

#5: Birthdays

I have forgot a considerable number of birthdays this year, including my dear mother’s, been stood up by an entire birthday party, and as far as my own birthday this past year… no, wait, my birthday party was pretty fun, I must have been confusing it with something else. Be that as it may, I’m now at the age where birthday gifts aren’t really given anymore and having a birthday is a big production anyway, so what is the point? Dead to me.

#6: Everyone on my “Do Not Answer” list in my phone

This is as close as I am going to get to even touching the category of individuals that have upset me enough to make this list. And yes, I do actually have a certain someones in my phone under “do not answer” as their name. Are you one of them? I don’t know, try calling sometime and find out. It could be an adventure.

#7: The dogs upstairs

And if they don’t quit their barking in about five seconds, they will be. At least we are down to only two of them again, instead of three. It is one thing to live in a basement under the scratching of doggie nails on the floor that doesn’t stop during the larger portion of the day- but it is another to live under mean, smelly, old, unattractive dogs that bark at you even though you have been living there for a year. I hope they have their rabies shots because I have seen a lot of mean looking raccoons lately and mysteriously the gate might just be left open if those dogs don’t start treating me a little better.
#8: The Cast of Full House, et al

You maybe asking the question “What has the cast of Full House ever done to you”? What have they done, period? Other than their lack of entertainment skills and ability to be, in any situation, unfunny or take up too much space on the cover of a gossip tabloid where P. Sway should be honored or his life and dance moves more completely? That’s what I thought. Oh, by the way, America is still waiting for the funniest home video. Bob, youtube does your job so much better than you ever could and did.

#9: World Political News

Over it. OVER IT. Does nothing new ever happen in world politics? I mean, seriously, I think half of it is just stock footage/photos at this point in time. Gimme some dogs being rescued or kittens doing funny tricks. I never see foreign animals on in the news, which is a shame. If this could be promptly remedied, perhaps I would consider moving this off of this particular list.

#10: The Recession

I can only play so many Depression Era games before even I get bored. I just want a decent job, the excuses to stop, a better place to live and a manicure already. Recess… is over.

And that’s about it. I’m officially tabooing these items.

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3 Responses to “Things That Are Dead To Me”

  1. Garrett Says:

    There'll always be a place in my heart for the monkey twins.

  2. Anonymous Says:

    you have to much time on your hands….get a job so you can buy yo momma a bday gift

  3. platypusrex256 Says:

    Facebook is pretty creepy too. Don't you forget it!

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