Archive for October, 2009

Attack!

October 29, 2009

Be not alarmed! The following are simply images… images of what I hope aliens look like, as sort of my homage to Aliens this festive season of Halloween. It’s as a simple as that. Note: In no means is this is a survival guide meant to help you during an impeding attack, as I don’t have that sort of authori-tay.

The practical alien:

I would hope aliens would look like this because if they did they would be slower and shorter than I am. This being said, I might survive an attack, and thus, making them practical. The same argument can be made for as slow vs. fast zombies. Granted, they still might have laser guns, which I would have no chance out running, and neither would you. And though this particular picture shows a woman who, well, got attacked, I would like to assume that she was weak and probably deserved it- the damsel type, yah know? Oh, and one last note, I’d have him wearing a long, high-collard metallic silver coat. For effect.

 

The futuristic alien:

If aliens were more like robots (which, in many movies they are), I would hope that they would look like Bjork from her video for All Is Full of Love and not just some dumb cybertron type being. Friendly, sleek, but still creepy.

The alien in human form:

This might not be my first choice of how I would like human-esque aliens to look, I would rather them look (and sound) like Ira Glass, but this is the most probable of the alien-to-human transformations I think. And no, it is not too soon.

The scary alien:

I almost chose the picture of the late M.J. to serve also as the scary version of aliens, but decided this was more appropriate while still maintaining similar lines. Truthfully though, I really wish that there were no possibilities of scary aliens, but if I had to chose, I would chose the aliens from They Live because they look just like humans- which means unless you have bad ass glasses which will help you determine the reals from the fakes, forget it, you’re a goner. Nothing is more scary than perfect camouflage. Classic.

In the off chance I would have to create babies with an alien, alien:

Okay, so I know that Spock is only really half alien, but that’s what I’m saying. I already know that breading with this particular alien species would work and not result in one of those scary scenes when an alien eats its way out of my abdominal cavity. As if birth wasn’t gross enough already. And I know there are people who like other, older Spocks better, but this one is more in my age range. The hair cut… might have to go though. My aunt could probably take care of this for me. But yes, I would have alien babies if need be with new Spock.

The lovable alien:

It came down to A.L.F. and E.T.- both have initials for names, but only one came out on top, and let’s face it, A.L.F. ate cats, so I had no choice but to choose E.T. He liked Reeses Pieces… much better feasting option.

The pet alien:

Why can’t real animals be this cute? I don’t know what this is from… probably Japan.

 

And just for fun, because this post was short:

The alien boy who wasted my time- Balloon Boy. Look at him. Effing alien. He even had that phony space ship. In fact, when I first turned on the news that day and saw the headline Balloon Boy and then the fake craft, my mind flashed back to the movie Signs (not great, I know) when they turn on the TV and there were alien ships and I thought maybe there was a UFO in our real life midst- but no, it was a “tragic” missing child story that turned up with no conclusion of interest.

So there you have it. For future film makers, particularly of the SciFi alien type movies, cut out the others and focus in on these types please, so that I will watch your movie in theaters and not pirated online.

Cast Systemz

October 8, 2009

Since the last post was wordy, this one will be mostly just pictures, as they speak for themselves.

In life, there are two choices: Do you want a sitcom that features good looking actors who can’t act, or a sitcom that features “normal” looking people who can? It’s a tough decision. On the one hand, if I want funny and normal, I probably don’t need to watch TV. But is it worth it waste thirty minutes to an hour (minus commercial time) to watch good looking people on mute? It’s a paradox I rarely face anymore due to my lack of accessibility to cable, but it is still something to be pondered over dinner and in philosophy classes.

The list bellow falls, in my experience, in the category of ugly and funny… for the most part. There are a few casts that I think aren’t funny or good looking, but they still made it on the list because this particular list is not about funny- just ugly. The following is that of the least attractive TV casts I could think of:

-Roseanne– The entire cast.

-Seinfeld– The entire cast, minus the people that they used to date. For some reason, they always dated fairly good looking people, which made no sense to me.

-The Office- The entire cast minus Jim and Pam, obviously. If this was in the 80’s or the British version, everyone would be unattractive.

-Murphy Brown– The entire cast.

-All in the Family– The entire cast INCLUDING the blond chick.

-Cheers*– Everyone but Kirstie Alley and Shelly Long.

-New Radio– The entire cast, especially Andy Dick

-Family Matters– The entire cast minus Richie and Laura but including the time that Urkle became “hot” Urkle Stephen.

-Just Shoot Me– The entire cast minus the ladyz in specific episodes only.

-Full House-The entire cast minus Uncle Jesse (he carried the show) but including extras like Kimmi.

-Blossom– The entire cast minus Joey Lawrence.

-Friends– The entire cast. I don’t care what you say, this is one of those examples when they try to find “attractive” yet “real(ish)” looking people and then you just kind of look at them for too long and realize, sure, they may be slender and have hair, but they are not an attractive group.

That about does it. Common thread? The 80’s/90’s transition period. As you can see, there are only a few shows on this list that are current or prior to that time frame. Yikes.

*Note: This also includes the Fraiser spin-off.

Regretables ’09

October 8, 2009

The year is waning, which means it is time to confront my regrets of ’09 and hope to jeezus that I don’t have anymore before the end of the oo’s and the beginning of the 20teens.

Here they are, or as many as I can remember- and for those of you who say you have no regrets, you lie:

Work:
-Working for Garden City Group.
-Working for Safeway.
-Working for Beecher’s Handmade Cheese.
-Taking that job with the Switch program that never actually was a real job, and thus, losing my job at Beecher’s.
-Making out with various cheese maker’s who also worked at Beecher’s.

Boys:
-Making out with various cheese maker’s who also worked at Beecher’s.
-Developing unrealistic expectations for males in their 20’s.
-Letting Joe watch movies with Mallory and I late at night in my room when he smelled like smoke, subsequently making my whole room smell like smoke.
-Making the Molly Ringwald disgusted face from Sixteen Candles whenever a cute boy would approach me.
-Not asking enough questions when the timing was appropriate.

Cats:
-Not getting one.

Troublemaking:
-Cutting off that police officer and then getting pulled over. However, I do NOT regret not getting a ticket.
-General plotting/scheming.
-Acquiring additional parking tickets.
-Knocking over the tip jar at Cupcake Royal after Moe Bar happy hour.
Not sending that “card” to my arch nemesis. (Which I still may have regretted if I would have followed through with it).

Money:
-Not picking up that $100 bill off of the ground before Mallory’s friend snatched it up.
-Spending cash on frivolities like lattes instead of drip coffee.
-Over drawing my bank account multiple times. Some on purpose.
-Letting my student loans lapse.
-Paying to watch a movie at Pacific place when I should have just used my free ticket.
-Not tipping as much/often as I should.

Technology:
-Spilling coffee on my computer.
-Using technology to inappropriately, well, let’s call a rose a rose, “stalk” people via facebook, twitter, myspace, and what have you. You do it too!
-Watching too many movies in bed.
-Sporcle-ing… a lot.
-Texting people when/who I shouldn’t have been texting.
-Giving in to twitter.
-Using Craig’s List to try and find roommates, jobs, furniture, well, anything actually.

Fashion:
-Plaid overkill.
-Wearing through too many pairs of leggings.
-Wearing through my red belt.
-Breaking my black heals.
-Buying that white dress that I never wore.
-That shiny dress that matched Mallory’s that we wore to karaoke one time.
-Wearing through my cream colored cardigan.
-Sometimes not changing my clothes for a day or so.

Et cetera:
-Spending the holidays alone due to poor weather.
-Not visiting my mom more when she lived closer.
-Losing at Settler’s of Catan on numerous occasions.
-Eating expired food.
-Barfing.

Light My Fire

October 6, 2009

I’m sick of candles smelling like fruits and flowers. What’s more, I’m sick of “holiday” candles that smell like “Holidazzle Cookies” or “Santa’s Big Ride”… let the record show that those aren’t really scents. They aren’t even clever names. So, my new plan, when I make a bajillion dollars, is to have my own candle making factory (that would also double as a speak easy, both of which the logistics still need some obvious work). Most of the scents that I have come up with thus far are what I would consider “unconventional earthy” scents. Perhaps you are wondering what type of market is out there for such candles? Other than myself? Probability shows it would most likely be those silly “trendy” hipsters, Oprah, and maybe rest homes. So here is a list of non-traditional, but enjoyable, scents we would produce:

1.) Matches

Let’s face it, the first 4 seconds of trying to light the candle via match and its 4 second successor- the smell of the match after it has been blown out- is the best part. So why not have a candle that smells like that in its entirety?

2.) Wood Chips

I used to keep various rodents as pets. Gross, whatever, I know, but save your judgement for someone who will use it. Granted the pets themselves smelled bad, no, terrible, but the fresh wood chips (I believe them to be cedar, but who knows) always made me really happy. I know there are candles that smell like pine/forest/winter wonderland, but I am talking cedar. CEDAR. Make it for me. Now.

3.) Spray Paint

This is going to be misconstrued, so before you make your assumptions, let me clear the freshly scented air by releasing this statement: I am not now, nor have I ever participated in, huffing spray paint. DARE. Even so, this does not stop my love affair with the smell of spray paint. In the world of paint, it simply smells the best. Therefore, there should be a candle scented as such.

4.) Toast*

This is as close as I think a candle should get to smelling like a baked good. Let me level with you- toast smells like food, but it is not overpowering; it is light and isn’t going to make you want to vomit at 6 am if lit due to a power outage or natural disaster.

5.) Newsprint

New books, magazines, and even newspapers smell divine. I think this particular scent is like saying- “hey world, I am an intellectual”, and what shitster… er, hipster, wouldn’t want to say that? Especially if it meant they didn’t actually have to read anything at all! I also recognize that this scent would have be really light, as we all know of the “Tacoma Aroma” and how bad paper mills smell. We wouldn’t want that to happen, now would we? I thought not. Maybe it would be best to keep it smelling like glossy magazines.

6.) The inside of my dyer

I know there are already candles out there that smell like “cotton” and “fresh laundry”, but I have yet to capture one that actually smells as good as freshly dried clothes. I want to put my bed sheets in the dryer right now just to have that experience. Should this candle company ever lift off, I promise you that I will perfect this scent.

7.) Carmex™

It smells good. Probably best used during winter months, though. Also, to emphasize the point, I think I would want to sell this particular candle in a holder that looks like a Carmex™ container. It might boost profits on this one, as it may be a harder sell than the previously listed items.

8.) Rubber Cement

As with the spray paint, I do not have a substance sniffing addiction. But you are a fool if you don’t think rubber cement smells good. I could also make a substitution here for model glue, which is also fantastic.

I know this really isn’t enough to constitute an entire line of candles, but it is a work in progress. Plus, it is something to get the ball rolling. Someday, you may come over to my house and wonder, (out loud, of course), “Whitney, is your roommate an arson, because it sure smells a lot like matches in here?” To which I will inform you that, no, (s)he is not, I am just burning the candle that smells like burning matches. And then I will probably give you one as a birthday/anniversary/Arbor Day gift or something. And yes, you can thank me now, in advance.

*Note: Smell should be that of unburnt toast.

October 6, 2009

redwood.

Costumez

October 2, 2009
October is upon us, which means if you haven’t already thought of, made and tailored your costume for this year, you are probably behind. Instead of giving you all of my good ideas, I have decided to go a step further and give you ideas of what you should not be and reasons why. Below is that list:

Slutty _______ (insert any noun or children’s book character)

Let’s get one thing straight: SLUT is not a costume, it is a way of life. If I wanted to see breasts, I’d run a google search. Also, it’s effing October and most of us don’t live in a sub-tropic climate where heels and booty shorts are weather appropriate. Even that aside, my biggest concern when it comes to slutty nursery rhyme or Disney movie characters, and maybe I am out of line on this, is this: why are you mixing sexual fantasies with childhood memories in the first place? I’m not going to assume anything by this, but from a non-pedophilia perspective, I’m just going to say that I don’t quite “get it”. But I guess, props, on putting out… er, putting yourself out there like that.

Superheros

Particularly from the latest blockbuster movie. Harsh as this may be, not everyone should wear nylon, loose fitting, but still oddly snug in the wrong places, costumes. I guess that is why it is imperative that a mask be worn at all times. It is okay for 4 year olds but not 34 year olds. Ever. Also, on a personal note, I hate how those costumes always have footie things to cover your shoes or at least the top part of your shoes. It is irksome for me.

Bunny or Kitten ears

Ears are not a costume- they are an accessory, unless you are at work and can not go all the way. But even then, there has to be other ears out there that are not of the bunny or kitty varietay.

Pimps

I guess with all of the slutty costumes running around there needs to be some order maintained… still, I try to think of hanging out with someone who would dress up like a pimp for Halloween and think it would probably be the same type of person I would vomit on normally if they tried to pick me up at a bar or something. And I’m not even going to touch the sexist, socio-economic or racial implications on this one, because then this blog would no longer be funny.

Santa Clause

It’s a funny idea for about a minute, but then it just gets to be an interruption. It’s like having a birthday party and your grandmother still brings your siblings a gift, even though it is not their birthday party (provided you aren’t twins). Christmas gets enough play anyhow and already oversteps its boundaries into the Thanksgiving holiday before the turkey carcass is even cold, why should it be allowed to push itself into one more month where it doesn’t belong?

Couples Costumes

Unless it is really, really creative, and they usually are not, I’m against them. A lock and key, prisoner and guard, ketchup and mustard, Huey Lewis and the News (okay maybe not so much), all just kind of disgust me. Listen, I get it- you’re a couple. I got it when you started publicly making out and then inappropriately groping each other, not to mention from the evil looks your girlfriend is giving me- though I have no intention of even talking to you. Aside from that, the sad truth is that couples costumes are usually the result of one person being excited about Halloween and the other person not giving a shit.

Any and and all Wizard of Oz characters

Similar to couples costumes- only instead of being in a relationship, it is usually a group of single friends and usually the Dorthy’s idea- not because she wants to dress up in group costumes, but because she wants to dress up like Dorothy and feels that her friends can serve as an accessory to her childhood dream. I just see a lot of Dorothy costumes every year and subsequently a lot of red glitter shoes on sale at the Good Will around the time of January or February.

Jesus or Moses

How will I know when the second coming of Christ or Moses occurs if there are a billion impostors running around on the 31st? Huh? If you are a male and have a beard, for what ever reason, either Jesus or a hippie seems to be the only default Halloween costume in your repertoire. Perhaps the beard and hair you grew over the last few months has cut you off from the creative ability you may have once possessed. I’m sort of sick of it. Plus, religion and Halloween really don’t go well together and there really isn’t enough irony to make this costume funny or original.

Clowns

Just because I am still slightly afraid of them.

Things That Are Dead To Me

October 1, 2009

Dear the following listed items,

I’ve given you a chance… many of you multiple chances. Chancity, chance, chance, chance and there’s a good possibility that you will never get another, so take a good hard look at what you have done, come up with a plan of reconciliation, and get on your knees and tell me you love me or you and I are (in a hushed voice) over. I’ll send you to a list where no amount of clapping can bring you back.

Truly yours,

Ms. Whitworth MD… PhD… emmm, MBA BS, the third.

#1: Myspace

Good luck getting off this list. I feel dirty even thinking about myspace.com. It’s not even because it feels overly commercial, corporate, or professional for that matter. I’d get rid of it entirely if it wasn’t still a good tool to use when “researching” people. “A Place for Friends”… more like a place for shitty rappers and shirtless bro’s to try and lure me into looking at them. Eh, no thanks.

#2: Boom Noodle

Was alive to me, until I was sitting across from a friend at dinner. I ordered a bowl of white rice, he ordered SOMETHING THAT WAS MOVING (which I later found out are bonito flakes, and come from fishes) when it got to the table. It upset me so much tears began to well in me lil’ eyes. True story. So please, for the love of God, don’t let any food that I am near during meal time move. It’s too much of a shock for my heart to take.

#3: Most of the state of South Dakota

And I say “most” because I don’t know that I have experience all of the people or land mass to make a definite “all” yet. But I do feel comfortable sticking with “most” as my negative experiences have been too strong in this state to even go into detail. I don’t think I have a single friend from the big SD. And should you be from there, can you at least do me the favor of pretending you are from North Dakota- which is a fine state or even Wyoming or Nebraska. Big D- as far as you and I am concerned- there is no “us” ’cause ‘merica only has 49 states.

#4: Beecher’s Handmade Cheese

YOU know what you did! Even trumping the deli, you were the worst… mostly due to the management (that is no longer there, may I add). Much like South Dakota, I have nothing left to say to you.

#5: Birthdays

I have forgot a considerable number of birthdays this year, including my dear mother’s, been stood up by an entire birthday party, and as far as my own birthday this past year… no, wait, my birthday party was pretty fun, I must have been confusing it with something else. Be that as it may, I’m now at the age where birthday gifts aren’t really given anymore and having a birthday is a big production anyway, so what is the point? Dead to me.

#6: Everyone on my “Do Not Answer” list in my phone

This is as close as I am going to get to even touching the category of individuals that have upset me enough to make this list. And yes, I do actually have a certain someones in my phone under “do not answer” as their name. Are you one of them? I don’t know, try calling sometime and find out. It could be an adventure.

#7: The dogs upstairs

And if they don’t quit their barking in about five seconds, they will be. At least we are down to only two of them again, instead of three. It is one thing to live in a basement under the scratching of doggie nails on the floor that doesn’t stop during the larger portion of the day- but it is another to live under mean, smelly, old, unattractive dogs that bark at you even though you have been living there for a year. I hope they have their rabies shots because I have seen a lot of mean looking raccoons lately and mysteriously the gate might just be left open if those dogs don’t start treating me a little better.
#8: The Cast of Full House, et al

You maybe asking the question “What has the cast of Full House ever done to you”? What have they done, period? Other than their lack of entertainment skills and ability to be, in any situation, unfunny or take up too much space on the cover of a gossip tabloid where P. Sway should be honored or his life and dance moves more completely? That’s what I thought. Oh, by the way, America is still waiting for the funniest home video. Bob, youtube does your job so much better than you ever could and did.

#9: World Political News

Over it. OVER IT. Does nothing new ever happen in world politics? I mean, seriously, I think half of it is just stock footage/photos at this point in time. Gimme some dogs being rescued or kittens doing funny tricks. I never see foreign animals on in the news, which is a shame. If this could be promptly remedied, perhaps I would consider moving this off of this particular list.

#10: The Recession

I can only play so many Depression Era games before even I get bored. I just want a decent job, the excuses to stop, a better place to live and a manicure already. Recess… is over.

And that’s about it. I’m officially tabooing these items.