Archive for June, 2009

Don’t Call This a Comeback

June 14, 2009

If you are a banker, more than likely you are going to be a banker for life. If you are an actor, you can just up and quit whenever, leaving your fans with only vague memories of what it used to be when you did more than promote Earth Day events or wear Live Strong™ bracelets. Here are some actors that I just think need to get back in the game before the up-and-coming young actors take over forever and innocent audience members are stuck watching Mary Kate & Ashley TV or worse. So, to the following actors, get your shit together! I am going crazy with nostalgia about how things used to be better here. Thanks!

1.) Rick Moranis

Notable works: Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Honey I Blew Up the Baby, Honey We Shrunk Ourselves, Space Balls, Canadian Bacon.
What roll he should play next: I read recently that Rick Moranis left working as an actor so he could focus on being a stay-at-home single-parent (slash) work on country music albums. That’s sweet Ricky, but get your ass back to work! The world needs you- and by that, I mean I need you. I would suggest you create another HISTK movie, but the last one, Honey We Shrunk Ourselves, kind of blew… a lot. So here is my advice to you: could you please just play the father figure of one of the following curly haired male celebrities in an independent comedy with slight romantic undertones: Either Shia Labeouf, Johna Hill or, and preferably, Michael Cera. Thanks.
2.) Shelly Duvall

Notable works: The Shining, Story Book Theater, Mother Goose Rock ‘n’ Rhyme.
What roll she should play next: In context, Ms. Duvall could do what Charlize Theron did in Monster with less of a cost in the make-up department. She is so naturally emaciatedin looks perhaps she should venture to take part in a film about a heroine addict or mother struggling with an eating disorder which would play as a Life Time TV movie. I would most definitely watch it. Let’s face it, I would probably watch any Life Time TV movie. (Too Young to be a Dad, A Secret Between Friends, anyone… anyone..?)
3.) Tim Curry

Notable works: Rocky Horror Picture Show, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.
What roll he should play next: Given Tim Curry’s natural creepiness, which wanes just under that of Steve Buscemi and Christopher Walken (which if you doubt that they are creepy, I am creating a post about that topic as well)… Me thinks it only natural to have Tim Curry work regularly as one of the “Others” or “Other Others” (or what ever the hell sort of kick they are on right now) on the TV show Lost. In fact, I wouldn’t mind if you killed off the following characters so you could afford to replace them on the series with Mr. Curry: John Locke, Jack, Kate, Ben, Desmond, Sawyer, Hurley, Sun, Jin, Sayid, All of the Others, Jack’s Dad, Charles Whitmore, Penny Whitmore- screw it! Replace them all and have Tim Curry do a one man show. I bet ratings (and my personal viewership) would increase by inconceivable amounts.
4.) Jane Seymour

Notible Works: Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Gerber Baby Commercials.
What roll she should play next: I think she should have gotten the roll that Dakota Fanning got in New Moon- the second chapter in the Twilight series. Granted, I have never read the books and did not like the first movie, I still think she would have been a better choice. Why? Because I dislike Dakota so much. Plus, by doing this, you will increase the Twilight audience by including in the target market people like, oh, say, my mother. I mean, the new Star Trek did it by extending its aim to a younger audience via making the characters hot and limiting the amount of Leonard Nimoy the audience was exposed to. There is a lot of cross pollination of moviegoers right now- I think Twilight is going to miss the boat if they don’t act quickly. Tweens don’t stay tweens forever you know!
5.) Dana Carvey

Notable Works: Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World 2, SNL, Master of Disguise (yeah right, as if anyone actually watched that one).
What roll he should play next: He should play The Riddler if ever the new Batman series decides to portray that character. And no offense to the late some-what great (if only in retrospect) Heath Ledger, but Dana seems like taking on a roll of this sort of nature would not push him over the edge.

(and one day Whitney Whitworth)… just a suggestion from myself to my future self.


Useless Items

June 12, 2009

How does the phrase go?  Necessity is the key to invention?  Invention is necessary?  Necessity is the spice of life?  

Okay, after looking it up the actual quote that links the two is, “necessity is the mother of invention”… whatever.  Point being, not all things invented are necessary.  Here are some unnecessary inventions, to say the least:

1.) Gum Savers- I had one as a child.  If you have never had one, it is probably because they are so vile and you really shouldn’t need one, as everyone knows that old gum hardens and collects/breeds bacteria that should probably not be re-consumed and seems rather undesirable.  Plus, if you are rich enough to afford a gum saver, then you are rich enough to afford a new piece of gum.  Especially if it is Juicy Fruit™.  
2.) Bedazzelers™- This one explains itself pretty well.  Nothing should ever be “bedazzled”, especially not cheep denim.  
3.) Diaries with locks- So maybe the male population will not understand this, but as a female growing up I had my fair share of diaries, each with a lock on the outside.  The problem?  Every single diary with a lock has the same key and can be easily picked with any tool smaller than the lock itself.  For me, it was a false sense of security.  My solution?  To make books which I was sure no one would ever be interested in reading into diaries.  
4.) Noodles- Awkward to carry, worthless for actually supporting or saving someone’s life if they were to drown, and made from that foam which produced a terrible sound both when wet and dry.  Yuk.  Listen, either learn to swim properly, or get a useful, less likely to be used as a pool weapon, floatation device.  Hell, I don’t care of you are 50 and wearing water wings, just leave the goddamn noodles at home.  
5.) Candle Snuffers- My, aren’t you just the dainty one with your candle snuffer?  Wait… you what?  You couldn’t just blow the candle out?  OH, okay, that makes so much more sense to me now.  No, wait.  It doesn’t.  Next birthday, I am going to try and pull this one and see how frustrated people get whilst I attempt to snuff out 24 candles one by one.  
6.) Sham Wow™- This is a simple one, as the Sham Wow™ is just regular pieces of felt.  
7.) Dog Diaper- Just suck it up and train your dog already.  Oh, wait, or you could get off your lazy ass and actually take your dog outside once in a while.  I also hate that this particular varie-tay is washable… I mean, I get it, environmentally friendly, but well… you know how I feel about dogs pooping.  I’m just going to leave it at that.  
8.) Dog Car Seat- I know people love their pets… but come on.  Not to rag on unnecessary dog products, but this just seems insane and uncomfortable for the dog- unless you have a dog like my mothers, who, when it rides in the car, refuses to sit anywhere but on the arm of the driver looking out the window, which is both uncomfortable and dangerous.  Again, as in with the doggie diaper, just train your dog to behave in the first place.  Problem solved.  
9.) The Magic Bullet™- …okay, I know how much many people love the magic bullet, in fact, and I would swear before a jury, it is my favorite infomercial of all time.  HOWEVER, the Magic Bullet™ does nothing that a regular blender/food processor can not do, only the Magic Bullet™ does it in smaller quantities and actually takes more effort than a simple food processor.  

Wear Me Out

June 11, 2009

One of my friends once (recently) told me that my fashion sense was somewhat like that of Blossom’s… you remember, the chick with the big hats and crushed velvet outfits.  I guess I haven’t made as much progress in my ensembles as I had thought.  

Yes, I can admit that I have made some poor decisions when it came to choosing my own clothes during my early years.  Let me recap some of those mistakes for you, in order that makes the most chronological sense:

-Velcro® Troll™ Shoes- OK, it is not my fault that I was once a child.  Let’s just clear that part up. And along with being a child, comes the addition of velcro® on all sorts of articles of clothing; for baby hands, it just makes life easier.  So the velcro is not the upsetting part and must be put aside to focus on the real problem.  The troll part, which is what was these shoes a mistake.  I can recall them vividly: they were white and pink with an actual removable troll head that attached to the tongue of the shoe as well as an image of a troll on the side of the shoe.  What one does with a removable troll head is beyond my comprehension.
-Purple Suede Shoes- Another bad shoe choice, but I loved these ones.  They were crushed deep purple suede with a bit of a chunky heal (and by that I mean, as much of a heal as is allowed for a 9 year old) and actual black ribbon for the laces.  The image that follows is actually what the shoes looked like.  
-JC Penny t-shirts- Well, really, it was one shirt in particular that I recall.  It was a white t-shirt with a lady bug with a white shell that was spotted like a soccer ball and bellow that read the words “don’t bug me, I’m playing soccer” in purple and black letters.  Gross you say?  Yes, and let me also explain that I wasn’t even playing or interested in playing or even watching soccer at the time.  And what is worse?  I picked it out myself.
-Tinted sunglasses- I had several pair: green, red, purple and perhaps even yellow- all which were very round and very small… think, oh, Diane Keaton or Elton John, only cheaper versions, as I believe them to have been purchased at our local dollar store.  
-Baggy Jeans-  In middle school I started wearing, not just flared jeans, but baggy flared jeans.  Oh wait, it gets better.  I had two pairs of these jeans and both pairs had embroidered cartoon girls on the back pockets.  Oh baby, yes.  I might also add that one pair was that of a very light wash, the other a medium blue.  
-Pants Only- For the majority of my high school career I refused to wear skirts, dresses, or jeans (probably due to the baggy jean fiasco of my middle school naivety).  What does this mean?  I wore a lot of pants.  Oh yes, I forgot to mention, they were mostly dress pants.  Whoot whoot.  Let me also state for the record that not all of the dress pants I owned and wore were black.  Some were grey, some were khakis, and some were forest green.  I also think I owned a pair of brown chords.  It wasn’t until senior year when I actually bought a real pair of jeans- primarily because I was then interested in exploring the converse and jeans look.  It was a good cross over. 
-Dusters- Most articles of clothing whose ownership ended up being a mistake I have come to realize, were primarily purchased in pairs.  My “dusters” where no different.  I possessed and regularly wore two- one grey and one black.  Modern society questions why would a person even need one.  I mean, granted yes, I lived in Montana and that look was stylish back in the late 1800’s, though made of different material and cut, but there is and was no excuse for this behavior in the modern world, uncivilized territory or not.  And yes, for the record, I wore them OVER my dress pants.  
-Cat collars- I used to wear, as bracelets, my cats’ collars.  I just wanted to be closer to them during sophomore health class…  Sometimes I would even wear several at a time, many of which were jewel studded.
-Puffy jackets- I have two in my closet right now: one is shiny purple (pictured bellow) and one is shiny green.  Both have furry hoods.  I still wear them on occasion, though I know it is a mistake, but cold times call for warm jackets- both serve their part well.

-I am sure my next big regret will be my overuse of bandanas (pictured above), but fugg it, I don’t care!

B is for Barfing

June 11, 2009

I’m throwing up right now just composing this list.  

1.) Dogs Pooping

2.) Inspirational posters, particularly those that have animals on them

3.) Warm milk- I hate milk as it is, but I am talking about milk that sits out, not is intentionally heated up.

4.) Emoticons 

5.) Unflushed toilets- particularly in public places

6.) Wet cat food

7.) Mop water

8.) Jing’s cooking, particularly when it is with anise or any meat that has been left out over night

9.) Back sweat

Hispters: For Starters…

June 9, 2009

So, tonight was a ravishing night hanging out with some Hipster boys and their more pleasant lady counterparts at Cha Cha- “A Place Where Bros and Hipsters Can Come Together Forever” ®™, but, through the midst of all of my fun, I had to wonder, what is it about Hipsters that bothers me so much?  I mean, I hang out with my fair share of them, on occasion I dress like them, I frequent the same bars and coffee shops… but, and I am going to break one of the following rules, I do not consider myself a Hipster and in fact, am relatively annoyed by them.  So tonight, while I was sitting there wanting to take a meat cleaver to my little wrists (and in clarity, it was because of one boy, and one boy alone out of a group of 6 of us), I came up with this list about Hipsters and what makes me so frustrated around them:

1.)  Bicycles:  It is one thing to ride a bike for exercise or to cut back on your carbon emissions by way of transportation or even for recreation purposes, but Hipsters take it one step further.  Hipsters ride their bikes in some sort of secret “cool kid” competition.  Particularly when it comes to the ever so impractical fixed-gears, or “fixies”, which serve little use in a town full of hills unless you are trying to be cool, in which case, it does its job fine to convey this message to other Hipsters.  
One last thing that bothers me about Hipsters and their sweet rides: the fact that they don’t wear helmets.  Ever.  God forbid you mess up your $10 great clips cut that you pull of as being from some salon of which no one has ever heard.  If you do wear a helmet, you are clearly not a real Hipster.  What could be more fun than speeding down the bus lane on a 15% grade with drivers who don’t give a shit while not wearing a helmet?  Oh yes, LIVING.  
2.) Being Self Absorbed:  I love this one.  I love it because there is no easy way to put it.  Some people have causes that they support: stem cell research, higher pay for doctors, making religion illegal, you get the idea. The Hipsters cause is being a Hipster and supporting the Hipster way of life.  This means, making sure they are up-to-date on everything that is fashionable before it is fashionable- but not too much ahead of the curve, because then you are just being silly.  And I am not just talking about clothing here,  it can be anything.   But, one has to be able to back it up with the statement “oh no, I was doing this a long time ago”.  Example: “I’ve been listening to vinyl since middle school”.  Bullshit you were, you were listening to cassette tapes of Mariah Carey back then.  I’m not afraid to ask your mother and prove it.  It all just goes back to self assurance.  Self assurance that yes, you are, in fact, a Hipster and you fit into a crowd, though you are indeed a forward thinking/acting individual, with individual style and individual plaid prints.  Though this is never to be spoken aloud, see bullet point number 6.
3.) Houses with names:  Some people name their cars, some people name their kids, Hipsters name their houses.  Why?  Just to be clever.  There really is no other purpose that I have found from this.  And if there was any doubt as to whether there was some sort of relation along the Bro/Frat Boy blood line and that that runs through the veins of Hipsters, look no further than this fact: They both name their houses.
4.) “Thrift Store” shoppers:  Take it from someone who actually has to shop at thrift stores due to an un-sizable income- other than maybe a pair of jeans that can be turned into cut-offs, Hipsters, true Hipsters, rarely buy from actual thrift stores.  On occasion they will, but mostly it is avoided.  Sure, their clothes may not always be brand new, but the trendy boutiques that they (and I am guilty of as well from time to time when allowance, well, allows me to) shop at, are not thrift stores.  Vintage is not thrift.  And if it is not vintage, which a lot of it isn’t, it is expensive.  Very, very expensive.  I’m talking higher than $30 for a shirt or some shitty canvas shoes.  But of course, when talking to polite company, always mention that you got your shoes from Value Village on sale for $3.  Oh yeah, and then give a wink, as to really say “I got this from Zebra Club”.
5.) Hang-out spots:  I hate when people “claim” spots.  Hipsters are like the Christopher Columbus’s of the modern world.  I am sorry, you did not “discover” Stumptown… it was made for you.  Same goes for bars, cheep eateries (as Hipsters love cheep stuff… I think probably so that they can spend more money on their bikes), and anything that is considered “divey” but caters to only a crowd of 20- early 30 somethings.  Let me tell you this, oh Hipster high and mighty, it isn’t a dive if I can’t see at least two people with out any teeth and one woman who has had 8 or so children and a crack problem,  otherwise its just a themed bar/restaurant/bingo lounge.
6.) Denial:  This is by far my favorite of the Hipster annoyances.  I love (and by that I mean I barf) when every time, and this will happen with every single Hipster, the term “Hipster” is brought up, they all claim they are not of that variety.  Paradoxical dear Watson!  How is it that there are so many effing Hipsters in Seattle Proper, and yet, I can’t seem to find anyone who says that they are a Hipster.  It’s almost a myth, like Big Foot.  I especially like when the clear-cut obvious types tell me that they hate Hipsters.  Maybe they are just trying to say that they hate themselves, which brings upon self-loathing/pity, which brings about being self-absorbed, which brings us back to bullet point number two.  Case solved.